MY JOURNAL UPDATES:
(my thoughts, my dreams, and some of my nightmares...)
Welcome to my Journal! This excerpt started back when I was undergoing serious medical problems, chemo from lymphoma and the list of ailments associated with that. Now that I am in remission (since April 2001) and all seems to be going well. I have decided to keep in touch via this Journal. Sharing my life's hardships with the rest of the world by the internet has helped me very much. It has also inspired others so I continue to write and thank you for visiting.
Ya think in this world that you live forever, we get all caught up in the day to day about girlfriends, and boyfriends, or sports, or hobbies.... and then one day, we realize that life can have limits. We do take advantage of life and the wonders that the world has to give, by not taking a second to smell the roses, or hear the birds, or taste the water. Please, do all of those, and take a second to realize all that you do have, cause ya never know what lies behind that next turn!
Currently I am celebrating my 20th month in Remission, but what a roller coaster it has been. Especially in regards to my relationships... My last boyfriend died in a drowning accident, and the one before ended the relationship in the middle of chemo. Not fun, let me tell you.
Below is my Journal
and or Weekly Entries, hope you enjoy. Just to share some of the
shit I have been through this last year!
"Two Hands As One"
May 1st, 2003
Tommorrow is my next CAT scan. Can you believe it.... 2 1/2 years in remission from the Lymphoma.... and they said it couldnt be done. It's an excredible feeling to beat the odds. What's even better is to tell your oncologist that gave up on you to Fuk off. Now when I see the bastard I smile and say to myself, "See? You ain't God, Shithead". When your number is up, it's up, but when it's not up? Live Life! and I mean Live!
My Dad had a heart attack last week. It was a scary thing thats for sure. It's been one of my nightmares for sure. Of course his numbers not up yet either, so he pulled through fine. In fact, he was only in the hospital for 2 days and then home. He did have to have an angiocath with stent insertions, but hey, whats a few more stents. I think he's up to five now. I was worried about mom, but after all she's been through with me, that was a walk in the park.
Anthony and I are doing great. He's such a sweatheart. Its so strange to be in love again, after all I have been though. But I am happy, and so is he! The only weird thing is that he's 19 and Im 40. So, we are introduced as Father and Son. hehehe.. Fatherhood and I got to skip the diapers and the terrible twos. You cant control who you fall in love with now, can ya!
Going to visit my ex boss Ernst and Ally for lunch on Wednesday. Should be a lot of fun, Mom and Dad are going to be there too. They are such great people, they are the former owner's of PV Martins Restaurant. Ernst now works at Publix. It's so funny, he told me for at least 1o years when he would get frustrated, I should sell this place and work at publix. Careful what you wish for. He loves his new postion at the Deli. Stop in the new publix at Vero and say Hi to Ernst. Tell him he's on my web page, he'll get a kick out of it!
Well... Let's see, what else is up. My friend Stacey stopped by with Benjamin. The kid is so cute, I mean gorgeous. Looks like he could be my child. Looks more like me than mommy, that's for sure. He's adorable, see for yourself!
Well... that's the update. Family is Fine, I am good, and right now enjoying the wonderful moments, of course knowing that sometime in the future it will change for bad, but then, get good again! Keep the faith, the strength, and the Love!
Benjamin Handis - Blatus?
March 16, 2003
Sometimes life goes at a snails pace and then other times it just seems that all kinds of things happen all at once. First of all my health update. Things kind of went nuts the last month or two. Seems I have built up a resistance to my medications, kinda scary yes, but after some in depth blood tests, I have started on a new regimen. I am scheduled for a new cat scan in six weeks, and to date I will be getting close to 2 1/2 years in remission. It's quite amazing when I was told on two separate occasions to get my affairs in order. I still owe a lot to prayers and love. I am still working on my book, now entering it's last chapter. Next step is a re-read and fill in some of the areas of the book that are lacking depth and substance. I've been working on the house a lot, now painting the outside and then adding a screened in porch soon.
My friend David has been having some troubles lately with his prostate cancer problem. Seems only days before his surgery they found some spots on his lung. I don't feel it's anything serious, but looks like I won't be doing any nursing in Miami for a few days. I was planning on helping him out post operatively.
My cousin has been doing so much better lately. I know he now sees the need to change and he has been working so hard to keep things in sync. I wish him lots of love and lots of luck. I have a lot of faith in him. He is a very passionate and caring guy, and is now working on some real changes. :)
My court case .. AKA wynona godiva is done. Got 100 hours of community service. Thank you Judge Morgan. I almost went to jury trial, but the chance was only 50/50 and I didnt want to chance 15 days in jail.... Thank God its over.
I had lunch the other day with some friends and had
some really great discussion about life and about living for yourself and
not always living for others. It was a really eye opening conversation
and I thank Ali for opening my perception of myself a bit more than it
had been. I am going to work on that advice and stop being so damn
I am praying that our government does not go to war. I feel there will be some serious repercussions if we don't try to come up with a peaceful answer.. Unfortunately I think the decision has been made and good ole "W" is going to chance the course of time once again. My thoughts and prayers go to those over seas, and us here at home. Remember to enjoy each day cause who knows what tomorrow's news will bring.
Wishing you and yours a lot of love and happiness today!
February 16, 2003
Hi guys! So what's new with you? I hope that all is great and all this Orange Alert and all this duct tape crapola. So with our country hanging on the edge of it's seat with the prospect of war around the corner, I hope that all is well with you and yours and that you are able to relax and cherish each moment that you have.
The last month has been interesting. Still working with the legal system and my bogus shoplifting charge, and also trying to decide how to proceed with my life. I have been thinking seriously about going back to school and getting my bachelors and maybe teaching. I have also thought about starting my own cyber tutoring business, which would include web page designs as well as the basic internet lessons.
Health wise I'm entering my 24th month of remission and doing fine. The back troubles were just a scare. The lumps I guess were just simple inflamation. That's the scarey part about being a survivor of cancer /lymphoma. Everytime some lump or bump pops it scares the shit out of ya. I just thank God everyday that all is fine and continues to be ducky.
My last trip to Costa Rica was fine. Met some very interesting new friends including a great guy named Anthony and visited with some past friends Cesar and Steven. My friend David has recently been diagnosed with Prostate cancer and has been fighting with the insurance world to get his HMO to cover his surgery. As great as our country is, sometimes our health care system just plain SUCKS. I know he will be fine. I will proabably be visiting him in Miami after his surgery and helping him Recover.
The last few weeks I have been working on the outside of the house. Doing some landscaping and getting ready to hire someone to paint the outside of this place. If you know anyone who likes to paint send them my way, I'll pay them.
My friend Paul in Boston has been going crazy with his house arrest. I feel so bad for him, and my heart goes out to him and his symptoms of "cabin fever". I just hope he remembers that soon it will all be over. Paul you are loved, and I am here for you!
Tonight the North East is getting ready to have the worst Snow storm in 10 years. Probably 2 feet or more! Thank God I am in Florida, where all we have to worry about is floods, hurricanes, and mosquitoes.
A big warm hug to you! Thanks for reading and I will see ya soon. Keep praying for this fucked up world of ours. I'll remind you again to stop and sieze the moment since we really don't know where we are heading.
Regads and much love,
January 21, 2003
I can not believe how fast this month has been flying by. Can you believe it's almost February. This month is the one month anniversary that I met William, it seems like yesterday. I guess the older you get the faster time appears, right? So you want to know what's been going on... Well, I got a bill from the hosital for $42,000.00 for one day in May last year... for outpatient services. I just cant wait to hear this explanation from them. So I have another tast. Been shopping around for lawyer for my bullshit shoplifting case (just call me Wynona). Very expensive, I just cant belive it, starting at 2,000.00 . I just might have to see a public defender and see what they have to say. I can't afford $2000.00 or more for a lawer, Im disabled for Christ sake....
Been focusing on the house.. and I mean doing all kinds of wierd things. Since I quit smoking last week I have had a burst of energy and Ive been taking apart garbage disposals, grouting tile, reorganizing draws.. my GOD.. anyone need me to clean ? Too funny... I need a cigarette to slow me down.. Im gonna try hard not to smoke. The big test will be on my next trip to Smoka Rica. Yup, my best friend Stacey gave me a ticket to Costa Rica for my 40th birthday... and since I've never been... "chuckle" ..... I'm going back for a week the end of this month. Thank God its cheap...
My back is much better... occassionally I get a spasm, and feel a bump.. but I have to just start to ignore some things. Had some heart palpatations this week, with some chest pain. I even went to the Emergency Room, was kinda scarey. I was thinking that the Dr. that removed my port screwed things up or something. WHo kknows.. all I know is I got mad at the ER doctor for not giving me some medication and I left AMA. Not too smart on my part, but I am tired of Doctors looking at me like Im a nut case when I have Chest pain. They look like, you are interfering with my break, How dare you???/ I'm over it!
So.. let's see if I'm forgetting anyting.... I'm going to have a writer read my book. It's not done yet, but it's far enough to get a real opinion as if my life is interesting enough to get published. That would be nice, huh? I've been trying to work a lot more this week.. It's so hard, with the body aches and the weakness at times. But I get up and get there.. and then realize I just can't work that much... I've been thinking about going back to school, or even starting a business. Like a personal Valet / personel shopper ... What do you think??? Let me kmow will ya??? Click the blue to mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org !
Well ciao bello,
Carly Reeve, Michele Reeve, and Uncle Chris "Kringle"
January 7, 2003
The Doctor's office called today with my results. Everything is perfectly fine. So I guess the muscle strain - tendonitis theory was correct! So I am quite at peace at the moment regarding the lymphoma. Coming up on Two years in Remission.... YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 3, 2003
Happy New Year to you and yours! New Year's Eve this year was the first New Years I spent with my soul mate Michele Reeve. Michele and I were college roommate's at the University of Florida. On Dec. 26, I Flew to New York right after a major snow storm, so I got to see Long Island covered in snow. It was quite beautiful I must say but it was really cold. I had planned on going to Time's Square for the stroke of 12, but it was just too cold and too many people flocking into the City. We had a nice dinner at Butterfield's Restaurant in Commack, and then had a great champagne toast at Mich's house.
Today I had my planned appointment with Dr. Weeks my Oncologist. The Dr's preliminary thinking is that the pain and knots in my back are nothing to worry about. I did have some blood work drawn and will know for sure by Monday, but I guess Ill just keep popping the advil and continue to pray that it's in my head. "For the moment" my trust is in my Doctor's.
Made some calls to Lawyers today. I still am having a hard time believing what happened at Burdines, but I'm sure there's some grand message to gain from this. Maybe it's a referral on finding a lawyer to sue the hospital for that nightmarish surgery I had last month. I am still having flashbacks of being tortured under the knife. If I were to self diagnose myself, I would say Im having a bit of PTSD, but I'm still not a Doctor.
Tonight I burned the Yule log that we made last Christmas at Lydias' house. A bit late, but it was nice to put a log on the fire. A log that has spiritual and bewitching essence.
Well, as the clocks ticks, and the reality of our country bombing Iraq once again, I just remind myself over and over again, Seize this moment, live this day, and remember to tell someone that you LOVE them.
December 24, 2002
Things can just be so boring at times, and then in an instant, change. All week long I had been tired, and really without much energy, so I decided to try to get into the Christmas spirit. Meeting friends and shopping two of my favorite past times. Both ending in mishap! How so? Well, on my way home I got a 150.00 dollar speeding ticket, which of course was my fault. Yes now 15 miles over the speed limit is a whopper of a ticket. And the next day, I walked out of burdines in mall, totally overwhelmed and not thinking, forgetting to pay for my Godiva chocolate gifts and got arrested for shoplifting. I thought the pretend a cop was kidding when he said he was calling the police, but he wasn't. Now I have to go to court for that.
But just as I was sinking into self pity, an interesting thing happened to me. I discovered a small lump on the lower part of my back and I instantly was awakened like a bucket of ice water was thrown on me. I have been once again reminded how quickly my fortune might change, and how lucky I have been in this way long remission of non hodkins lymphoma. I have begun to remember my only too recent nightmare of illness, and began remembering how important each day is.
So tomorrow, on Christmas, I will thank God for everything I have been blessed with to date. The love, the time, the laughter, and the lessons, and ask him that if his will is that I get sick again, that he watch over and care for my family, give me strength, and to shed love and blessings to you!
So in closing.... Merry Christmas! And Have a Great New Year! Im going to NYC Dec. 26 and when Ic ome back, Ill get that lump checked.
December 17, 2002
Hello Inquiring minds! A month has gone by since my last update, so I assume its time for me to give you a bit more scoop on what I have finally done. The last few times that I went to costa rica I was really upset and bothered by what I found. It seems that for some reason, probably the fact that William was gay and maybe a drag queen, that his family did not have his name on his tomb. This had been eating away at me since the summer, so, I finally did it. This trip was for one reason and only one... To transform the plain, ugly site, into the beauty which William was, and to reflect that he is now "dancing with the angels" the inscription now on his memorial plaque. (bailando con los angelitos) William Gamboa Argeudas will be missed, and always loved. But now I feel as though he can rest, as so can I.
So thats where I have been, and now I am home, continuing to figure out which end is up. At least, I stopped crying.
I wish you all a happy holiday
season, be careful, and try to remember what this time of year is really
all about. It can be easy to forget!
Another nightmare from hell!
What you might ask? Well on this past Friday I went into surgery to have my infusa-port removed since I am no longer needing chemo, and the quick outpatient event turned into a bad dream. Seems that the surgeon that I picked to remove my port did not believe me when I told him that I was claustrophic and that I would need some type of sedation while being under the knife. Mid way through my surgery, I began to freak out. I had a panic attack and felt trapped as I was restrained during surgery. I begged the surgeon to give me something to relax me, and he refused. To make things even worse, the Doctor began to talk about me in whispers stating that since I was gay everyone should double glove, a very unprofessional thing to allow your patient to hear.
In the recovery room, I began to have horrible chest pains. My Doctor once again did not believe my complaints and allowed me to suffer for quite some time before beginning to manage my chest pain. The fear of maybe having a heart attack as well as the horrible flashbacks of my personal struggle fed my anxiety and turned a 30 minute event into several hours of tears, pain, and anger. I will never go back to Dr. Woo-Ming ever again. I am also thinking of getting a lawyer and seeing what rights I have to sue this Dr. for unecessary pain and suffering. If you have any ideas or imput, let me know.
Today is Saturday the day after, and although I feel better, my chest still hurts and I feel as though I was hit by a big truck. What a horrible thing to have to go through, especially for such a minor surgery.
Hope you had a better day than I..
to Continue Reading my Journal
***SPECIAL THOUGHTS AND THANKS***
There have been so many people that have sent special thoughts, love, and prayers, who I would like to use this space to reciprocate the love, power, prayer, and good energy!
"My Loving Mother Carol Blatus"
My Father and my brothers and sisters
Special Thoughts to you Scott (aka Dirty Pig Boy) YOU GO BOY!!!
Dr Weeks and the Office staff at Dr. Weeks and Dr. Scott's Office
Thanks to Dr. Pierone and his entire office
Dr. Lisette Llanes, Psy D
Jose Martes, Jr for your past love
Big hug to GSouthMan1 in Cape Cod
Shands Oncololgy Nurse's Doctor's and Students
Dr. Lynch at Shands, and his Staff
Thank Diane, Velma, and the gang at PV Martins for your thoughts and prayers.
Tim Noye, Gary Peruta, Cookie and Jim Chiappone
Michele, Reb, and Carly Reeve
Linda, Michael, and Jenny Samuels
Velma Jean Judware
D. Scott Williams
Debra D'Albora Distant Dr@aol.com
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