MY JOURNAL UPDATES:
AKA MY BLOG
(my thoughts, my dreams, and some of my nightmares...)
Welcome to my Journal! This idea started back when I was undergoing serious medical problems, chemo from lymphoma and the list of ailments associated with that. Now that I am in remission (since April 2001) and all seems to be going well. I have decided to keep in touch via this Journal. Sharing my life's hardships with the rest of the world by the internet has helped me very much. It has also inspired others so I continue to write and thank you for visiting. At times I have thought about discontinuing my internet journal, but continue to do so due to the many who are enlightened by my journeys. For them, for you, and for me... I write!
We tend think at times that we will live forever, we get all caught up in the day to day about girlfriends, and boyfriends, or sports, or hobbies.... and then one day, we realize that life can have limits. We do take advantage of life and the wonders that the world has to give, by not taking a second to smell the roses, or hear the birds, or taste the water. Please, do all of those, and take a second to realize all that you do have, cause ya never know what lies behind that next turn!
Currently I am celebrating the beginning of my fifth year in Remission from non-hodgkins Lymphoma! What a roller coaster my life has been With my illness, and then in regards to my relationships...Three years ago I lost a boyfriend after he died in a drowning accident. The most resent one and I didnt work after 10 months. After my relationship I began to obsess over the death of my former boyfriend and began a horrible journey spiriling downward. Just when I thought I had hit rock bottom I then realized that rock bottom had potholes. These experiences ignited the fire in me to begin my journal, which has now lead to the completion of my first book, It Only Takes One. If you are interested in reading my pre edited book, please email me at email@example.com and I will be more than happy to invite you to that web site.
Below is my Journal.
Just to share some of the shit and some of the sunshine that I have been
through this last few years! The Journal goes all the way back to
the days of Chemotherapy. It also shows you my new found thoughts
about life. Enjoy! I hope it enlightens your heart about life
"Two Hands As One"
November 4, 2006
Hello once again! More time goes by.. What's up with me is that I am maintaining my clean lifestyle and it is starting to offer me new gifts. My health is great, I am working for a tax negotion firm called Omni Financial. Giving the work thing a try again. Going to meetings, and getting to know new people. I still hang out at the mall for some laughs. The coffee is good, and now that we are going to have Starbucks number 4, this one actually in the mall, life is good!
I didn't finish at Turning Point Bridge! I did five out of six months. It was a department of corrections rehab, and boy did it suck. Some of the staff were wonderful, the others... what can I say? Well I'll say it, they sucked! Amazing as it seemed, a few of their staff relapsed while I was there. Pitiful as they are teaching people how to stay clean and sober when they themselves didn't have a clue. Anyway, everything happens for a reason, right?
I am back in Vero again for a bit. Working is a great thing, the people at Omni are wonderful... my bosses Diane Purdy and Kathy Geyer are the best you could ask for. The CEO is pretty awesome too! He is such a real person!
I am single now for about 3 years, and no boyfriends in sight! I hope it stays that way! There is a small part of me that is lonely, but I must say, now that I am loving me more than anything else.... life is good!!!
So that's a brief update! Love to you all and wishing you the most beautiful sunrises and full moons!!!
August 28, 2005
September 6, 2005
Hello again my dearest of the dears. Yes, I know, it has been quite a long time. June egads who would have guessed I would have waited so long to write. So much has happened since June. Here I wrote so much about recovery, and substance abuse like I was the special child of redemption... well, guess what. I only now have become a new infant at dealing with the disease of addiction. Through the advice of the Intervention Project for Nurses, the love of my family and friends, and a few more bad choices on my part, I landed at a place that just might have truthfully helped me to have a real spiritual awakening. I enrolled in a 28 day program called Hanley Hall (formerly alcohope). I never knew how much pain and anger I had buried deep within my loins. I thought I was Mr wonderful psych nurse and could manage my own emotional health a bit of outpatient help, but guess what.... that was such a joke to think that I had willpower against the monster called drug addiction. Yes.... I am chris and I am an addict. WOW... there now, I have said it again and this time I understand it. I have stopped not only self medication in many ways, legal and legal, but I have stopped drinking too. My illness was allowing me to rationalize the ability to manage drinking. HAHAHHAH what a false God that was. Drinking is my gateway now to total destruction. So I dont do that either. Hanley hall has helped me discover who I really am and not reinforce who I thought I was. And now after 60 days of sobriety, miracles of spirituality, psychic energies, and internal love for me have begun like I have never thought they could. Its been great and I pray will continue. For now, its late, and I must go to bed... but you will hear from me very soon I promise... there is a bunch to tell ya... LOVE ME and YOU!
June 21, 2005
Its mid June and Florida
is really heating up. The humidity is horrible of course.
This is about the time I wish I could be somewhere else, but right now
my roots are in Vero Beach. My battle with substance abuse
has been a real nightmare. I can't believe that for someone
who fought so hard to live and recover from Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, beating
the odds, that I have several times in the past two years have put my life
at risk from self destructive behaviors. The love and support
from friends is wonderful, but at the same time frustrating.
Why frustrating? Because my inner battle with my depression and the
pain that I have felt has not been able to be conquered just by love alone.
I found myself avoiding my friendships, even destroying some.
Thank God that there are others in this world that understand that this
is not my true feelings to alienate myself, but my my minds attempt at
fooling me into using again. I have voluntarily enrolled into
the IPN... thats the intervetion project for nurses. I have
enrolled in an IOP (intenstive out patient drug program) and have
been going to AA / NA meetings. Although I do not consider
myself an Alcoholic, I have realized that drinking in excess significantly
weakens me and allows that dark voice to take over and put me back down
a road I do not want to be on. It's been very hard for me to
go from one of the most responsible people I knew to one that friends and
family can not trust or believe. I have finally made up my
mind that working the system is not to my benefit and that I am and will
overcome these feelings no matter what. I have surrendered
to my higher power and excepted all of the love and support from anyone
that will give it. I have a purpose and refuse to eliminate
that purpose from this world.
Yesterday I recieved an important phone call from my friend Frank. I had so much to tell him about my battles and sadness, but I stayed quiet as he really needed me to listen. I was glad I listened to him as I knew he felt better when our conversation was over. His need to talk to me once again reminded me that I have real value in this world. His love for our friendship has lasted 18 years and if it wasnt for him, I would not have persued my nursing degree. Thank you Frank for helping me smile again.
Today I recieved an email from a young man from England who read my web page years ago.... He said that my messages of strength and courage touched him and the losses I have experienced had brought tears to his eyes. For me to recieve this email today was indeed Godly intervention as I am considering maybe going to inpatient treatment when a bed is available. I am sober, but the cravings to escape my reality are here everyday. So I thank Daniel for such great timing, and wish him all the luck in the world in the UK.
Thank you for taking the time to read my update.... Remember, if you cant love yourself as much as the one you say you love, then you are not quite getting the real meaning of life yet... Think about that!
April 16, 2005
So did you do your taxes?????
Who cares, right? Love ya mean it! My book is off to
the editor.... It's kinda scarey!
April 8, 2005
I simply can not believe how long it has been since I have updated my web page. So much has happened since July of last year that I have been overwhelmend. After I sobered up I began working hard at getting back into the work force again. I left Vero Beach in my 98 Honda and drove myself to Phoenix, Arizona. In Phoenix I began a job working for Juvenile corrections at Maricopa county juvenile detention. I liked the job but it was very demanding. After being there only a week, my car was stolen and it really effected my mood that I began abusing again. This time it was so bad that I hit rock bottom. My father had to come out there and rescue me. Mom begged me to come home and I refused, but amazingly 3 days later I had a nightmare and the next morning I packed up my car in 30 minutes and left Phoenix.
The ride home was wonderful. I stopped in El Paso Texas, Houston, and Tallahasse Florida. While each city I met some of the most wonderful people. I made it home 4 days after my departure. I thought I would sober up, but I continued to dabble in the darkside. I would do it on the weekends when I had money, and then stop. This continued until my arrest on March 9th....rock bottom had a pot hole.
Now, to date I am sober, and with the help of lexapro (antidepressant) I have come out of my denial, began AA and NA, doing psycho therapy, and doing great. The last year of trauma put a fabulous end to my book (It Only Takes One), and now I am focused on my next meeting with my editor and moving closer to having my memoirs published. Furthermore I am looking into enrolling at the University of Phoenix Online to persue my Bachelor's degree in nursing and mabye one teaching nursing.
The end of April I have to face the charges of cocaine possession, but I am confident that whatever happens it will further my recovery and that all of the shit then becomes fertilizer for my personal growth.
So thats the news, the traffic, and the weather....... :) Love to you all.
Nurse Chris B (Krispy)
Hello again. I cant believe
how long it has been since I updated my page. So much has gone on
in my life in the last few months. I had been in such turmoil.
My sister had moved out and I was living all alone. With the
anniversary of William's death, and the quiet in the house I started reflecting
on the bad events of the last few years. It started to really
weigh on me. I make some bad turns and wound up back in the
dark side of life, the drug world. It was horrible.
I started delving into smoking cocaine. Horrible indeed.
It lead me to cross paths with all the wrong people and cost me money I
did not have. Many a night I would look at myself in the mirror
and cry. One night it got so bad I called 211 the crisis line.
I was a mess. I couldnt hold it together and was really considering
rehab. Suicidal thoughts were passing through my head. It was
really really bad. One day I had a vision of William in my
sky light. He was looking down and telling me to call my mother
and father for help. I thought oh God great, now Im psychotic,
but in my tears I decided to dress up and Drag and go tell my parents what
had happened. They were very underestanding. I
promised myself and them to turn it around. That lasted a few
days.... and down again I went. Lost more money, and then I
missed a trip to Costa Rica. Looked at my credit card bills
and a light went off in my head and said, "WAKE UP". I had fought
death so many times, and now I was just letting it take me.
I Pulled things together... got sober, the next day my phone rang and offerred
me a temporary job in Arizona.... and everything started falling into place.
I have been sober now for 2 weeks, and I am ready to grab the world by
its balls and move upward and foward... AGAIN. And this time...
Watch out world... cause Im coming. I feel rebuilt, energized,
happy, and ready. I feel like I have been in a cocoon and broke
out of it 2 days ago. My wings are full, with the most vivid
colors, and I am ready to flap and fly, just like my Angel!
So....I will be in Phoenix, leaving the 27th of July. I will be stopping to see a friend in Georgia. I report to the Juvenile Detention on August 2. Im trying to rent out my house cause I think I will be doing more travel after that. My heath is great. I am in remission 42 months now... Its incredible. I have a cat scan due this week.
So that's the latest. The last few months will make for great writing in my book.. the horrible adventures and such. But know I am once again strong and ready to help others.
March 25th, 2004
Hello out there!!!! How the heck have you been? First I'd like to say it's so nice that Spring has finally come upon us. All the cold weather this winter has been a bear. Horrible for you northern people, but even we had some bitter cold days here in Florida.
After darkness comes light! Right? We all know how hard life can be, right? Just when you think things are going well, or even if they are, it seems that in a moments instance "Poof" things can change. Are we seeing the points? Are we learning things from the pain? I am a firm believer that with pain, comes light and a new directions. No matter how weak or how intense the pain. In fact, in my opinion, the more intense the pain and suffering, the greater the turn of the direction in your life. Of course, when we are going through these times of difficulty we can not see that, but as we look back, we see that if it wasnt for the shittiness, we would never have had the option to turn down a different path. One path leads to another, and sooner or later, we stumble upon a path that is very bright, happy, and loving. We never know when this will occur, and at times we can be so blinded by pain we loose hope. But as time moves on and as our path continues, we are able to look back and see all the positive things that happened out of that pain.
So, how does all this relate to me? Good question. First of all, this past March 21 was the second anniversary of William's drowning. This put me into an interesting frame of thinking, as I began to reflect on all my pains of the last few years. I felt very compelled to think about all of the things before, during, and after the accident, and to rethink the paths that lead me to that even, and look and see where I went after that horrific nightmare. It was months before I could even think straight again after William died. The nightmares, the paranormal events, the tears, the full moons, just seem to haunt me night in and out. I could not look up at the sky without feeling something. At times joy, but many times overwhelming sadness. I went back and forth to Costa Rica to try to put closure on things, but it just seem to linger. That is until I met Anthony.
Whenever a relationship ends, of course we tend to blame the other person. We think that there is no way that we are responsible for any of the mishaps of the relationship. It's human nature, and I am no exception. As I look back on that time, it gave me so many wonderful moments and feelings. His love and compassion showed me that I could love again. It brought me out of a numbness, into a deep sense of feeling again. Of course I ran with it too fast, and didnt think too much into it, but due to all the pain of the past few years, I needed to feel love again. That he provided. That relationship is at present over, and I am so happy that he is discovering more about himself and a new relationship. Happiness to him and anyone that has ever touched my heart is all I ask for from God. I have no bitterness, I have no regrets, things came and went as they were supposed to. The greatest gifts I have received I will cherish in my heart. Once in my heart, always in my heart.
As relationships end, time must pass before friendships can be kindered. I am so lucky that in my past, almost every person that has made me feel love, is still in my life in one way or another, and that I can still send and receive love to and from them. It is one hell of a cherished gift.
And so... what lies beneath? What lies ahead? What the fuk am I doing? Well.. just doing some mental rehabilitation now. Lord knows I can use it. Finding peace of mind is really becoming my reality. I think that I am really, and truthfully starting to love myself and realize that one does not have to be lonely when one is alone. I do not have to have a boyfriend, that a boyfriend can be a choice and not a need. I do not have to be loved by everyone, that the deep love of the few, is by far better of a sparse love of many.
So, after all the heartache, and pain, and darkness; through all the illness and all the medications; through the chemotherapy, the cancer, the losses of loves; I still can look at the glass 1/2 full and not 1/2 empty. I still am able to laugh and love. I have learned more about who Chris Blatus is and what he has to offer humanity, and not what humanity has to offer me. I am a happy person, not ever knowing that for a long time, I was sad, depressed, and feeling of not deserving love. This is now changed, I thank you, my ex loves, and the friends of my life for showing me all that has been revealed.
Love to you ... .to me.. and to those assholes in life!!!!!
February 22, 2004
Wow What a fukin month. Its incredible how things at times go from bad to worse..and ya just wait for them to get better, and they just keep gettin worse. Well Im in that slump. This month I have been in the hospital 3 times.. Had a pulmonary embolism, thats a blood clot in the lung. Not a fun thing and it was caused by an ankle accident. Thats better! Thank God.. The Chest pain has stopped. I thought I was having a heart attack. Had 2 speeding tickets, and a car accident . The car accident was in a rental car doing a good deed, and I waved the insurance like a dork. My Direct TV install went a bust as the guy put holes in my roof and never patched them, now I have a leaky roof. I was driving the other night home from a bar, and hit a pot hole and not only got a flat, but the rim i ruined. The funny part was the tire rolling down the ditch and into a foot of stinky ditch water.. ! :) And then my patient, a 25 year old sweet girl is going to die this week from AIDS. She fought and fought, and has lost the war.. Broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes....I know things will get better, they always do... I just pray and laugh at the shit... and know that Shit makes great fertilizer and brings joy and good things. Just takes time, thats all. All else is ok.. My mom got a false alarm regarding my aunt Viola.... the phone call said she was dying and there was no hope... but the call was from the grape vine and it shows that you cant trust the grape vine. Aunt Vi is fine... Thank God! So.. other than that!! and the Ant problem I have to call the exterminator about.. life is grand.. dont ya think?
Love ya..and thanks for stopping by!
Wow, it's almost March? Amazing don't ya think? Oh well, time flies... So lets see whats new in the life of me. I had been trying to work, but it seems everytime I do I get sick or have some nutso crazy thing happen to me. Maybe Im not supposed to be a nurse anymore.. I am not sure. For my Christas present to myself... I took my Christmas gift money and went back to Costa Rica. This time for fun, no strings were attached, and I had a great time. Met a few great new friends and stayed for almost 2 weeks. Of course now I am totally broke and have to figure out how to win the lottery to help myself and all my loved ones.
After Costa Rica, I went back to work and fell down a staircase and with a sprained ankle. This turned into a major bruise which in turn sent a clot from my angle to my lung. Pulmonary embolis is what it is called. Could have killed me if it went to my heart or brain. Thank goodness for that. Except for occassional chest pain, here and there. The Dr.s say all is ok. I am on blood thinners which are causing bruising. UGH. The doctor says Ill only have to be on the thinners for a month.
I am still in remission, and in 1 1/2 more years it can be considered cured! Although statistically speaking, Im cured already. I hope I never have to deal with cancer like that again. It was not a fun time.
Heard from Anthony the other day. He says he's in Spain. He's a lucky boy aint he. Well, Im home in Florida, my sister is moving out, I had a car accident, 2 speeding tickets, 3 visits to the Emergency room for the chest pain. What can I say, maybe the Karmic see saw is gettting ready to fling me up into some fabulous experience.
Well.. thats the news, the traffic, and the weather.
December 25, 2003
Hello and Merry Christmas! It's so amazing how time is just bolting by. It seems like a month ago I was in Costa Rica with Anthony living la vida loca. Now he has his own life in Montreal, working, and learning about the true value of money and love. I am proud of him, at the same time missing him very much. It's so amazing to know that sometimes love is not enough, that you have to have the right place and right time too. He called last night on Christmas eve which meant a lot, considering I told him I needed to have distance. Merry Christmas Tony!
I am feeling good. There was a bit of a scare the other week about something on my liver, turns out to be benign and all is fine. I have been trying to work doing home care, but it's been hard, seems I get sick a lot more again. All those Germs. Im not sure how much longer I can do it.
My sister and her family came down from Colorado for Christmas. The light in my moms eyes, the sparkle to have the family all here.. What a great thing indeed. Merry Christmas mom. Lately things here have been a bit on the slow side. I went a bit overboard on the party thing, but I am back into my responsible frame of mind now...
I've been having such strange dreams lately, Dreams of old friends Mike Taylor, Dreams of William being alive, dreams of Jose and I together again. Such bazarre dreams its freaky. Not sure why they are happening.
I love each and everyone of you ! Thank you for stopping by and checking out things. I feel deep inside that 2004 will be better for everyone.... I am praying anyway!
November 14, 2003
Hello again!!! It's been a bit of time. What a time it has been. I have been working again, yes I said it, I am working again. I am doing home health nursing, going into patients homes and doing IV's and all sorts of fun Nursey stuff. Jumped back into the work force full force. Worked for a few weeks and then decided to go to see my friend's in New York. It was beautiful indeed. Had a great time sluffing clam sauce at La Parma, and fabulous sushi at Neissan. I love my NY family very much and go there as often as I can. At the last minute, my boyfriend Anthony who is in Montreal, asked me to come and visit him there. So, I rented a car and off to Montreal I went. Six hours by car, and an hour in Immigration. The assholes almost didnt let me in the country because of an old arrest I had 15 years ago. And they also questioned some woman's clothes I had in my car from my Halloween costume. They thought i was a drag queen and didnt want me in the country for fear I would take away work from a Canadian. Too funny indeed, I talked my way out of it, and off I went and stayed with Anthony for 2 wonderful days.
Montreal is gorgeous, and the weather at the time was very nice too! Anthony is doing well there, it's very hard to have a boyfriend in another country. Why do I do this to myself? Oh well... what can ya do. Someday Ill have a normal life, but who know's when that is going to be.
Had a horrible scare this past week. I had gotten very sick for 4 days, and my doctors did a CAT scan and found a spot on my liver. For a few days I thought I had liver Cancer. Flash backs from hell hit my head and once again was reminded how important it is to live in the Moment! It was a false alarm, and what was on my liver was a benign hemagioma. Nothing more than a cluster of vessels. Thank you GOD! I dont think I could deal with Chemo again this soon.
So all in all, Im doing well. Am now a happy home owner as of this past week I closed on my new home! God can you believe it I own a home? I have my sister Patty and her husband Mark to thank for it.... If it wasnt for them it couldnt have happened. I love em!
Well not too much else going on. Taking this weekend off and just going to enjoy the new house! I hope that all is well with you and yours and that you will email me soon and let me know whats up in your life.
I might go back to Costa Rica in a few weeks to visit! I miss my friends David and Patricia!
BIG WARM HUG>>>>>
Sunset in Playa Carillo en Costa Rica! Que Linda,no?
Getting Much Needed Sun at the Beach for Anthony's Birthday Party
September 29, 2003
Hello pretty folks. My heart goes out to my online friend Dan. He lost his lover this month after a long hard battle. Dan is such a great person and one of those guys that really cared of my health status and was really happy that things have turned out ok for me. I love ya Dan, and just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please say a prayer for him.
Today I spent most of the day sending out my resume. Time to start to work, or at least try. Stressing about Anthony in Montreal. I dont like anxiety, do you? Mom and Dad have gone to Tampa for the weekend. They needed the little trip that for sure. Mom is doing great from her ear problem, seems that it was just a virus and nothing major to worry about. She even went for a second opinion. A lesson that she learned from me. Remember, if you ever think you are facing a major medical problem my advice to you is Second opinion... even if you have to pay out of your own pocket.
Met a really interesting guy online last night. Joe from CT. I was really impressed by his intuitiveness and intelligence. So refreshing to chat and talk to someone like that. Even though I am sure not much will come of that, it does renew my faith in some people. All the world are not takers, there actually are a few more of us Givers!
Love you and keep up the faith in yourself..and in LOVE!
September 26, 2003
On september 21 I returned to Florida. Spent the evening with my sweet love of the past Jose. Was a brilliant night, very caring and compassionate. Next day was a bit awkward as usual. But we are friends now and it's a good thingl On Monday Anthony flew from Costa Rica to Mexico. He called collect thinking that 200 dollars in his wallet would not be enough money to get in, but it was and so he did. He says he loves me... I feel it many times. Other times I fight the stomach churn. He's on his way to getting his dream filled to visit Montreal. I just hope he does good things and stays focused and breaks out of that sugar daddy thing. He is such a beutiful boy. Oh well... Its oout of my control now. He is cute and a survivor. Who knows, he'll probably be stripping soon. Hopefully he doesnt prostitute. Would break my heart to have another ex go down that road. I live Anthonyk but have to detach a bit until I really feel he wants my presence in his life.
So..thas the boytoy update.
Im looking for a job... today I failed a drug test.... Forgot there are some drugs that require time to disappear. Oh well... so much for smoking a dubie. Well love bugs. Thanks for reading . I am still working on my book. New twists coming.
August 14, 2003
All labs are fine! Im healthy!! Yipee! No problems at all.. of course my mental ones, but thats gonna take years!! :) Love you all....
August 14, 2003
What an interesting few weeks since I have been home. Been in contact, and or dated four of my ex boyfriends in two weeks. The other night I had a date with my ex Mark and it was one of the most nice, fun, times I have had in so long. It was a very long time since I had seen him. We dated in 98/99. Had a wonderful evening together, nothing intense, no sex, just a really nice down to earth date. Have not had such great conversation in years. The hottie that got away! :) It's amazing the amount of love that I hold in my heart for my ex boyfriends. Especially Mark. I wish him all the happiness in the world. My friend Michele asked me if I would ever date him again. I had to think about it, and after careful thought, I think that to find someone that you have an underlying connection with intellectually is very hard. So, if we felt that the time was right or even the feeling there, I think I would have a hard time saying no.
Spoke with Shane Waller the other day for his birthday. He's the ex I went to New York City with who we took pictures on top of the world trade center a few weeks before 9/11. Howard called me the other night, that was very nice, he and Matt started a landscaping business. My best friend Tim and I are talking again after almost 7 months of silence... and I even spoke a bit with Anthony today. So I guess Im back to being myself again! Well, Thats the scoop for now. Ill try to update in a few days before I take off again. Regards to all!
Me and My Ex Anthony Murillo Quesada
August 1, 2003
Well how the hell are ya? It is just amazing how fast things can change in one's life. I went and gave 100 percent to Anthony and after a few months things just started to fall apart. The double role of parent and lover kind of backfired into month four. It's hard to act as a parent when the 19 year old can not stand to be told what to do. I guess I fell more into a step parent role, and what kid likes the evil step parent. I guess Im starting to smarten up a bit and realizing that I can not relive my childhood through 20 year old lovers. As wonderful as they appear, I guess I just have to remember what I was like at 20 years old and that I was not ready for a full time lover. Good things did come from the short five months we had together. He is getting his first real job and going to make a go at learning who he is through his own merit, and not the resources of another. He is embedded in my heart, and there is always that hope that the fire will burn in his heart and he will wake up and see that real love is what he is longing for, but for now, we are apart.
It's incredible to me how I can not seem to hold on
to anger. It's also incredible to me how I have such difficulty
in closing doors behind me. The true loves in my life
always seem to have the key to my heart, and I have never been able to
put a damn dead bolt on it. Why is that? Am I so
longing to be loved that I will let anyone in that says the words "I love
you"? How does one change that? Am I supposed to change that?
Is it better to become a cold hearted, uncaring person, so that nobody
can enter and hurt my heart? I don't seem to believe that,
but at times I want to.
I miss William very much. He is my love that died over a year ago. Sometimes I feel his presence. At times his thought enters my mind and I feel a cold chill go down my spine and the need to look up at the clouds. One night I stared into a mirror for hours as the chill got more intense and just felt as though he was there smiling at me. Another night Anthony and I had a fight and that night he had a dream of William yelling at him. William, in Anthony's dream, told him to believe that Chris really loves you and to stop the shit and feel the "real" love. That morning Anthony woke up in a sweat and told me I had a bad dream last night. I said to Anthony, "It was about William wasn't it?" He shit that I knew!
So now I sit and I wait. My continuous limbo. Beating cancer, and now just trying to focus on me and what I can do to improve this world of ours. How I can bring more love to the hated. How I can make sadness into Joy. Or how I can just learn again to be happy just enjoying each day as it unfolds.
I am still thankful to all those who have loved me and even some that still do. People like Jose Martes, Michele Reeve, Scott William's, Patrica Crawshaw, David Lyte, Velma Jean, Vicky Keisle, Gary Peruta, Tim Noye, Mark J, Cookie Chappone, Stacey Handis, William Gamboa, Anthony Murillo, Irene Moore, Jackie, my cousin Johnny Chevola and Sandi, and my loving family. There are so many more, like those of you who take the time to read my journal. New Friends, Old friends, internet acquaintences. Thanks.
So I leave you with these thoughts. That no matter how bad you think you feel at this moment, remember that there is someone out there who hurts much worse than you do. That someone out there is going to die soon. That someone there has just lost a loved one. Or someone out there has just got some horrible news. Take this moment to be thankful that at this moment you are not so overwhelmed that you could not take the time to read these words. Take a deep breath and realize you have made it through another hour of your life. It was not your last, and with love and hope, neither will the next hour be.
In loving regards,
See you soon!
June 24, 2003
Sorry I've taken so long for an update. The CAT scans are still negative....and according to my specialists, Now that it's been this long the chance of relapse is about Null. So I guess Im cured! AMEN. Been loving my new boyfriend Anthony. HE has been wonderful and very caring. At times he surprises me when he gives me advice about life. At only 19 years old, it seems to me he is as wise at times as an old man. So lately I have a double role of lover and parent. The lover part is great.. the parent thing? Well, I guess its better than my own kid cause I could kick him to the curb if I had to, unlike a true born son. Anthony and I have been living together. Life can be so wonderful and yet so complex. My family is doing ok. Dad survived a heart attack a few months ago, he actually drove himself to the hospital, didnt want to wait for an ambulance. Mom has some kind of ear problem... She's lost some hearing to either a virus or a tumor. They are doing an MRI this week to rule out the tumor. The doctor says that most of those type of tumors are benign.... but we prefer virus dont we. Put her on your prayer list please! Mom is my angel and if something were to happen to here now, I think I would just shoot myself.
A very good friend of mine Lynn lost her son to suicide this week. A horrible thing. Michael was around 8 years old when I was in college and I help to raise him and his sister Jeri Lynn. My prayer goes out to his soul and to his Mom and the rest of his family. Please pause a second to say a prayer for them.
My sister Patty and bro in law Mark won a big law suit this week. A man that they bought their log business from violated a non compete clause and now has to pay them mega bucks. IM so happy for them both.!
Sister Jean has quit her job and is now doing a fabulous job with her new CD. If you are interested in hearing some really great music stop by her web page JBSASTRAM.COM you will be fowarded to her bands page Four Steps Closer 4scmusic.com
Well... thats the update. Many big hugs
to you and your family..... For anyone that reads my words.... my deepest
love to you~!!!
May 1st, 2003
Tommorrow is my next CAT scan. Can you believe it.... 2 1/2 years in remission from the Lymphoma.... and they said it couldnt be done. It's an excredible feeling to beat the odds. What's even better is to tell your oncologist that gave up on you to Fuk off. Now when I see the bastard I smile and say to myself, "See? You ain't God, Shithead". When your number is up, it's up, but when it's not up? Live Life! and I mean Live!
My Dad had a heart attack last week. It was a scary thing thats for sure. It's been one of my nightmares for sure. Of course his numbers not up yet either, so he pulled through fine. In fact, he was only in the hospital for 2 days and then home. He did have to have an angiocath with stent insertions, but hey, whats a few more stents. I think he's up to five now. I was worried about mom, but after all she's been through with me, that was a walk in the park.
Anthony and I are doing great. He's such a sweatheart. Its so strange to be in love again, after all I have been though. But I am happy, and so is he! The only weird thing is that he's 19 and Im 40. So, we are introduced as Father and Son. hehehe.. Fatherhood and I got to skip the diapers and the terrible twos. You cant control who you fall in love with now, can ya!
Going to visit my ex boss Ernst and Ally for lunch on Wednesday. Should be a lot of fun, Mom and Dad are going to be there too. They are such great people, they are the former owner's of PV Martins Restaurant. Ernst now works at Publix. It's so funny, he told me for at least 1o years when he would get frustrated, I should sell this place and work at publix. Careful what you wish for. He loves his new postion at the Deli. Stop in the new publix at Vero and say Hi to Ernst. Tell him he's on my web page, he'll get a kick out of it!
Well... Let's see, what else is up. My friend Stacey stopped by with Benjamin. The kid is so cute, I mean gorgeous. Looks like he could be my child. Looks more like me than mommy, that's for sure. He's adorable, see for yourself!
Well... that's the update. Family is Fine, I am good, and right now enjoying the wonderful moments, of course knowing that sometime in the future it will change for bad, but then, get good again! Keep the faith, the strength, and the Love!
Benjamin Handis - Blatus?
March 16, 2003
Sometimes life goes at a snails pace and then other times it just seems that all kinds of things happen all at once. First of all my health update. Things kind of went nuts the last month or two. Seems I have built up a resistance to my medications, kinda scary yes, but after some in depth blood tests, I have started on a new regimen. I am scheduled for a new cat scan in six weeks, and to date I will be getting close to 2 1/2 years in remission. It's quite amazing when I was told on two separate occasions to get my affairs in order. I still owe a lot to prayers and love. I am still working on my book, now entering it's last chapter. Next step is a re-read and fill in some of the areas of the book that are lacking depth and substance. I've been working on the house a lot, now painting the outside and then adding a screened in porch soon.
My friend David has been having some troubles lately with his prostate cancer problem. Seems only days before his surgery they found some spots on his lung. I don't feel it's anything serious, but looks like I won't be doing any nursing in Miami for a few days. I was planning on helping him out post operatively.
My cousin has been doing so much better lately. I know he now sees the need to change and he has been working so hard to keep things in sync. I wish him lots of love and lots of luck. I have a lot of faith in him. He is a very passionate and caring guy, and is now working on some real changes. :)
My court case .. AKA wynona godiva is done. Got 100 hours of community service. Thank you Judge Morgan. I almost went to jury trial, but the chance was only 50/50 and I didnt want to chance 15 days in jail.... Thank God its over.
I had lunch the other day with some friends and had
some really great discussion about life and about living for yourself and
not always living for others. It was a really eye opening conversation
and I thank Ali for opening my perception of myself a bit more than it
had been. I am going to work on that advice and stop being so damn
I am praying that our government does not go to war. I feel there will be some serious repercussions if we don't try to come up with a peaceful answer.. Unfortunately I think the decision has been made and good ole "W" is going to chance the course of time once again. My thoughts and prayers go to those over seas, and us here at home. Remember to enjoy each day cause who knows what tomorrow's news will bring.
Wishing you and yours a lot of love and happiness today!
February 16, 2003
Hi guys! So what's new with you? I hope that all is great and all this Orange Alert and all this duct tape crapola. So with our country hanging on the edge of it's seat with the prospect of war around the corner, I hope that all is well with you and yours and that you are able to relax and cherish each moment that you have.
The last month has been interesting. Still working with the legal system and my bogus shoplifting charge, and also trying to decide how to proceed with my life. I have been thinking seriously about going back to school and getting my bachelors and maybe teaching. I have also thought about starting my own cyber tutoring business, which would include web page designs as well as the basic internet lessons.
Health wise I'm entering my 24th month of remission and doing fine. The back troubles were just a scare. The lumps I guess were just simple inflamation. That's the scarey part about being a survivor of cancer /lymphoma. Everytime some lump or bump pops it scares the shit out of ya. I just thank God everyday that all is fine and continues to be ducky.
My last trip to Costa Rica was fine. Met some very interesting new friends including a great guy named Anthony and visited with some past friends Cesar and Steven. My friend David has recently been diagnosed with Prostate cancer and has been fighting with the insurance world to get his HMO to cover his surgery. As great as our country is, sometimes our health care system just plain SUCKS. I know he will be fine. I will proabably be visiting him in Miami after his surgery and helping him Recover.
The last few weeks I have been working on the outside of the house. Doing some landscaping and getting ready to hire someone to paint the outside of this place. If you know anyone who likes to paint send them my way, I'll pay them.
My friend Paul in Boston has been going crazy with his house arrest. I feel so bad for him, and my heart goes out to him and his symptoms of "cabin fever". I just hope he remembers that soon it will all be over. Paul you are loved, and I am here for you!
Tonight the North East is getting ready to have the worst Snow storm in 10 years. Probably 2 feet or more! Thank God I am in Florida, where all we have to worry about is floods, hurricanes, and mosquitoes.
A big warm hug to you! Thanks for reading and I will see ya soon. Keep praying for this fucked up world of ours. I'll remind you again to stop and sieze the moment since we really don't know where we are heading.
Regads and much love,
January 21, 2003
I can not believe how fast this month has been flying by. Can you believe it's almost February. This month is the one month anniversary that I met William, it seems like yesterday. I guess the older you get the faster time appears, right? So you want to know what's been going on... Well, I got a bill from the hosital for $42,000.00 for one day in May last year... for outpatient services. I just cant wait to hear this explanation from them. So I have another tast. Been shopping around for lawyer for my bullshit shoplifting case (just call me Wynona). Very expensive, I just cant belive it, starting at 2,000.00 . I just might have to see a public defender and see what they have to say. I can't afford $2000.00 or more for a lawer, Im disabled for Christ sake....
Been focusing on the house.. and I mean doing all kinds of wierd things. Since I quit smoking last week I have had a burst of energy and Ive been taking apart garbage disposals, grouting tile, reorganizing draws.. my GOD.. anyone need me to clean ? Too funny... I need a cigarette to slow me down.. Im gonna try hard not to smoke. The big test will be on my next trip to Smoka Rica. Yup, my best friend Stacey gave me a ticket to Costa Rica for my 40th birthday... and since I've never been... "chuckle" ..... I'm going back for a week the end of this month. Thank God its cheap...
My back is much better... occassionally I get a spasm, and feel a bump.. but I have to just start to ignore some things. Had some heart palpatations this week, with some chest pain. I even went to the Emergency Room, was kinda scarey. I was thinking that the Dr. that removed my port screwed things up or something. WHo kknows.. all I know is I got mad at the ER doctor for not giving me some medication and I left AMA. Not too smart on my part, but I am tired of Doctors looking at me like Im a nut case when I have Chest pain. They look like, you are interfering with my break, How dare you???/ I'm over it!
So.. let's see if I'm forgetting anyting.... I'm going to have a writer read my book. It's not done yet, but it's far enough to get a real opinion as if my life is interesting enough to get published. That would be nice, huh? I've been trying to work a lot more this week.. It's so hard, with the body aches and the weakness at times. But I get up and get there.. and then realize I just can't work that much... I've been thinking about going back to school, or even starting a business. Like a personal Valet / personel shopper ... What do you think??? Let me kmow will ya??? Click the blue to mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org !
Well ciao bello,
Carly Reeve, Michele Reeve, and Uncle Chris "Kringle"
January 7, 2003
The Doctor's office called today with my results. Everything is perfectly fine. So I guess the muscle strain - tendonitis theory was correct! So I am quite at peace at the moment regarding the lymphoma. Coming up on Two years in Remission.... YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 3, 2003
Happy New Year to you and yours! New Year's Eve this year was the first New Years I spent with my soul mate Michele Reeve. Michele and I were college roommate's at the University of Florida. On Dec. 26, I Flew to New York right after a major snow storm, so I got to see Long Island covered in snow. It was quite beautiful I must say but it was really cold. I had planned on going to Time's Square for the stroke of 12, but it was just too cold and too many people flocking into the City. We had a nice dinner at Butterfield's Restaurant in Commack, and then had a great champagne toast at Mich's house.
Today I had my planned appointment with Dr. Weeks my Oncologist. The Dr's preliminary thinking is that the pain and knots in my back are nothing to worry about. I did have some blood work drawn and will know for sure by Monday, but I guess Ill just keep popping the advil and continue to pray that it's in my head. "For the moment" my trust is in my Doctor's.
Made some calls to Lawyers today. I still am having a hard time believing what happened at Burdines, but I'm sure there's some grand message to gain from this. Maybe it's a referral on finding a lawyer to sue the hospital for that nightmarish surgery I had last month. I am still having flashbacks of being tortured under the knife. If I were to self diagnose myself, I would say Im having a bit of PTSD, but I'm still not a Doctor.
Tonight I burned the Yule log that we made last Christmas at Lydias' house. A bit late, but it was nice to put a log on the fire. A log that has spiritual and bewitching essence.
Well, as the clocks ticks, and the reality of our country bombing Iraq once again, I just remind myself over and over again, Seize this moment, live this day, and remember to tell someone that you LOVE them.
December 24, 2002
Things can just be so boring at times, and then in an instant, change. All week long I had been tired, and really without much energy, so I decided to try to get into the Christmas spirit. Meeting friends and shopping two of my favorite past times. Both ending in mishap! How so? Well, on my way home I got a 150.00 dollar speeding ticket, which of course was my fault. Yes now 15 miles over the speed limit is a whopper of a ticket. And the next day, I walked out of burdines in mall, totally overwhelmed and not thinking, forgetting to pay for my Godiva chocolate gifts and got arrested for shoplifting. I thought the pretend a cop was kidding when he said he was calling the police, but he wasn't. Now I have to go to court for that.
But just as I was sinking into self pity, an interesting thing happened to me. I discovered a small lump on the lower part of my back and I instantly was awakened like a bucket of ice water was thrown on me. I have been once again reminded how quickly my fortune might change, and how lucky I have been in this way long remission of non hodkins lymphoma. I have begun to remember my only too recent nightmare of illness, and began remembering how important each day is.
So tomorrow, on Christmas, I will thank God for everything I have been blessed with to date. The love, the time, the laughter, and the lessons, and ask him that if his will is that I get sick again, that he watch over and care for my family, give me strength, and to shed love and blessings to you!
So in closing.... Merry Christmas! And Have a Great New Year! Im going to NYC Dec. 26 and when Ic ome back, Ill get that lump checked.
December 17, 2002
Hello Inquiring minds! A month has gone by since my last update, so I assume its time for me to give you a bit more scoop on what I have finally done. The last few times that I went to costa rica I was really upset and bothered by what I found. It seems that for some reason, probably the fact that William was gay and maybe a drag queen, that his family did not have his name on his tomb. This had been eating away at me since the summer, so, I finally did it. This trip was for one reason and only one... To transform the plain, ugly site, into the beauty which William was, and to reflect that he is now "dancing with the angels" the inscription now on his memorial plaque. (bailando con los angelitos) William Gamboa Argeudas will be missed, and always loved. But now I feel as though he can rest, as so can I.
So thats where I have been, and now I am home, continuing to figure out which end is up. At least, I stopped crying.
I wish you all a happy holiday
season, be careful, and try to remember what this time of year is really
all about. It can be easy to forget!
Another nightmare from hell!
What you might ask? Well on this past Friday I went into surgery to have my infusa-port removed since I am no longer needing chemo, and the quick outpatient event turned into a bad dream. Seems that the surgeon that I picked to remove my port did not believe me when I told him that I was claustrophic and that I would need some type of sedation while being under the knife. Mid way through my surgery, I began to freak out. I had a panic attack and felt trapped as I was restrained during surgery. I begged the surgeon to give me something to relax me, and he refused. To make things even worse, the Doctor began to talk about me in whispers stating that since I was gay everyone should double glove, a very unprofessional thing to allow your patient to hear.
In the recovery room, I began to have horrible chest pains. My Doctor once again did not believe my complaints and allowed me to suffer for quite some time before beginning to manage my chest pain. The fear of maybe having a heart attack as well as the horrible flashbacks of my personal struggle fed my anxiety and turned a 30 minute event into several hours of tears, pain, and anger. I will never go back to Dr. Woo-Ming ever again. I am also thinking of getting a lawyer and seeing what rights I have to sue this Dr. for unecessary pain and suffering. If you have any ideas or imput, let me know.
Today is Saturday the day after, and although I feel better, my chest still hurts and I feel as though I was hit by a big truck. What a horrible thing to have to go through, especially for such a minor surgery.
Hope you had a better day than I..
to Continue Reading my Journal
***SPECIAL THOUGHTS AND THANKS***
There have been so many people that have sent special thoughts, love, and prayers, who I would like to use this space to reciprocate the love, power, prayer, and good energy!
"My Loving Mother Carol Blatus"
My Father and my brothers and sisters
Special Thoughts to you Scott (aka Dirty Pig Boy) YOU GO BOY!!!
Dr Weeks and the Office staff at Dr. Weeks and Dr. Scott's Office
Thanks to Dr. Pierone and his entire office
Dr. Lisette Llanes, Psy D
Jose Martes, Jr for your past love
Big hug to GSouthMan1 in Cape Cod
Shands Oncololgy Nurse's Doctor's and Students
Dr. Lynch at Shands, and his Staff
Thank Diane, Velma, and the gang at PV Martins for your thoughts and prayers.
Tim Noye, Gary Peruta, Cookie and Jim Chiappone
Michele, Reb, and Carly Reeve
Linda, Michael, and Jenny Samuels
Velma Jean Judware
D. Scott Williams
Anthony Murillo Quesada
William Gamboa Arguedas
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