GOOD MEMORIES, BAD MEMORIES
Chemotherapy at Shands in 2001.
Jose, Mom, and Me in my hosptial bed!

Dear Damn Diary:

November 10, 2002

Life is like a box of chocolates?  Hmmm... not sure what that's about, but I sure love eating chocolate this week.    They say that chocolate offers the same satisfaction as sex.  It also is good if you are menstruating, which maybe that's been my problem.   Am I on the rag?  Oh gosh, I sure hope so....

First off!!  I ask you to say a little prayer for my uncle John who is sick in the hospital in NY.  We all Love him and only hope that he has many more years with us!   Thanks!

Since the last update, what's up?   Well, I've come to the decision that I physically at this time can not work full time.   Each time I come close to 40 hours, I get an upper respiratory infection or some other stupid minor ailment.   Of course it could very well be mental.  So it will be part time work very soon.   As soon as my job can find someone to take my place.   Next month I have to go to Dallas for an AIDS convention, and then after that, who knows where.   I think I am going to start doing some fund raising stuff and getting more active in the advocacy programs.   The system sure needs a tune up.

I've been kinda staying in bed a lot this week.   Of course falling in the shower didn't help my motivation.. ouch.. Im sore all ova.   Jose and I have been talking a lot lately.   Having some distance is actually making this thing very interesting.   I think if I can just keep a bit of emotional distance, we actually might be able to enjoy each other's companionship.    It might be  dead end road, but I am always optimistic, aren't you?

So, I have a question for you all.  What do you think about friendships that just drift apart? How many times does one try to make amends?   When do you really just let it go and stop thinking about it?   One of my best friends continues to ignore my existence in this world these days, and it really bothers me.   He is someone who I thought I would trust my life with, someone who I could count on to pull the plug if need be.  And now?  Who the hell knows what has gone through his head.   I know that he blames me for the distance, but in fact, it is mostly his own fault.   Any advice would be great!

Paul, my first Costa Rican boyfriend Emailed me today with a picture from his visit to Vero Beach five years ago.  What a great suprise that was!  He is still in Boston.  He just got through his second DUI up there and has finally seen that he needs to settle down and stop drinking!  He's such a good guy, and has such great potential.  I know that his eyes are finally open.

Shane, and ex from my past and I had a long talk this week.   Seems he's doing quite well in Savannah with his boyfriend.   We had not really talked much since he and I had gone to New York City right before the World Trade Center travesty.   It was good to talk to him and find out he's doing good.   One a love, always a part of your heart, is what I always say.  No matter how much pain, or how much heart ache..... Always in my heart~~~  Am I dumb?

Speaking of dumb.  I have been talking to a guy named Carlos in Costa Rica almost weekly.  Another friend of William's who is in the "clique".  Another dead end road.  So why do I do this to myself.  Can you say "therapy"?

So.. this is the update for you to enjoy... Hope I didn't bore you too much..  PS... Its been 20 months of Remission.   I can not "FKING" believe it.   It's like it all happened to someone else.  The chemo, the needles, the vomiting, the constipation, the blood transfusions.   All a distant memory, but still there.   Beating cancer can be done... I really think that 90 percent of it is your love, your compassion, and your internal Fight to win.   I am sure that one day, Ill have some other medical crisis to worry about... but for now.  I am loving the fact that I have the ability to still love, to cry, to laugh, and to LIVE.   So if you are going through shit... and are scared, just know, that your fear can be changed into strength, that your tears into courage, and that your desire to conquer will turn into success!!!!
 

You are not alone, you will never be alone!   Love to you ... Forever!  In and out of CyberSpace!!!    Christopher Blatus RN
 

October 31, 2002

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!!  Who the hell knows why I just wrote that, but hey, it was different!
 

This month I have completed my 19th month in remission.  I've got to say that physically I feel fine.   Everything is going well so far.   Emotionally who the hell knows.  At this point I am at times so confused about where to go next.   I have been working for a Doctor's office, and so far it's been great.  But this Medicare, Medicaid, Disability crap is really frustrating.  They say you can work, but it's really bullshit.   I try to work, and then feel like crap, getting tired, and all, it's just for the birds.   Will I ever really get back to a normal life?   Will I be able to work full time again?

Relationship wise...  I almost believe that it's time to become a lesbian.  I try to make things work with the guys in my life, and it just doesn't seem to be in the cards.   I go back to the past, into the future, and back into the past again.    It's so hard to let go of the past loves of my life.  I just wish sometimes I could just let go, but I keep finding myself obsessing over lost loves, or trying to recapture feelings that have been buried.   I don't regret it all the time, in fact, sometimes going back into my past is comfortable and safe, but it sure can suck at times too.

I've been trying to focus on other things... and then I seem to get bored.   Traveling has not been the answer, as I feel it's just running away from my life.  We all know that never works.   And trying to sort out the reality of the here and now, that's doesn't seem to be getting anywhere either.   It's funny how I feel sometimes I have the answer to everyone else's problems, and many times I can't solve a one of my own.    Kinda fucked up?   Or is that everyone's reality?   Does anyone really know how to be happy?

I find myself staring at the moon many nights, remembering William and the short time that we shared.   The love so strong, and the comfort of that brief relationship.   Is that healthy?  I find that if I stare at the picture of the two of us, or hold the bunny rabbit that I gave him, I feel at piece and that thoughts of seeing him again (dying) are comforting.   Am I depressed?   And then I think of Jose, and that love being so close to real, and that being something that could be rekindled.   Is that wrong?   Is that sane?

And if I told you Jose and I spent last weekend together, and had a great time.  And that the emotions that were finally put to rest, have been opened up again.. Would you say Im crazy?  In need of therapy?

I think my questions are rhetorical, but maybe they really should be answered.  So, do I answer them?  Or do I wait for someone else to do me the honors?   I guess only time will tell!

Cuidate (take care)

Chris

ADIOS CESAR!

I am still trying to figure out some kind of pattern relationship between when I feel like things are getting better emotionally, and the point just before they crap out on me again.   The roller coaster is very disparaging at times.   In June and August in Costa Rica I thought I had something beginning almost on the same level as William .  Cesar has so many of the qualities that William possessed, that I guess transference got the best of me and it was William I was trying to reinvent.   Cesar pretty much ended things after day 2 of a 13 day stay.   So for the first few days, I was in a slump and feeling pretty damn ugly.   About day four, my good friends David, Patrica, and James had a fabulous Dinner Party.  Although Patricia's wonderful scalloped potatoes took 2 1/2 hours to make, they were surely good.   Well worth the wait.   We had a great time discussing life and our realities.  David was just diagnosed with prostate cancer so I have been trying to be supportive for him and be a door to his needs.   He is now out of costa rica and in Miami waiting to see what is going to be happening in his treatment.  I have referred him to my guru Fred Weeks, MD.  I know something great can happen...He is in my prayers, and I ask William to keep an eye on him for me.

I started taking this new crap called Coral Calcium, anyone heard of it?   Well, supposed to be a great antioxidant that makes ya look young, and feel good.   Higher labido, and nicer skin.   So, ask me in a few days how I feel.  Ill let you know.   Howard, my ex lover of 10 years, is still mouring the passing of his father who died suddenly while waxing his car.   The family is in our prayers and so are you Howard.  I am very heartfelt for your loss.

Tim and Gary have been on the up and downs, but Im glad that things seem to be working in their direction.  Fifteen years is a long time to throw away.  It can be done.. It really can!

So, I continue to be single.  Occassionally thinking about Jose Martes in Miami, Paul Castro in Boston, William who died in Costa Rica, and even Cesar who dogged me for some other guy Im sure.   I'm trying to focus on home, and family.   I know that if I just surrender to Job, family, and love of me, that all will fall into place when it's to be.   I am so confident that is going to happen, that I feel the anxiety and have to pop a xanax.   Its disparing at times, but it is not Sadness, just another limbo.

The new house looks good.... I think Ill be posting some pictures this week.   The inside is the bomb.  Next up is the outside and some landscaping.   My health is doing well.   I feel pretty good.  Not used to the morning stuff at work, but I am getting myself out of bed and getting there by 10am.   This is a trial period to see if I can handle work, so far, it's a crap shoot.

Well... remember to love yourself... I know I forget all the time.  Think Deep thoughts of all you have loved, and very soon they will think and maybe come to you for a visit.  Try to remain postive even though planes crash, people get shot by snipers, and killed by warefare.   We can focus on Love.. remember how much love we felt for one another on 9/11..... That was a good direction we were going in... we need to keep it that way!

Well.. enough of my chanting.   You are the only one who should really give a rats ass about you!   And dont you forget it.  If you happen to be lucky enough to have someone else who cares?? Well shit... whats there phone number... I can use one of those!!!!!!!!

LOVE ME>>> AND YOU!

September 27, 2002

Hey!!!  And how have you been doing?   I've been doing great!   Work has been going well so far.   It's a bit tiresome to be back in the grind, but I'm trying hard.   California was very nice.. oh my the weather was fabulous.  No humidity and in the 80's.. much better than Florida weather.

I'll be leaving on Wednesday to go back to Costa Rica.  I'm going back to visit Cesar.   I think there might be something there worth cultivating, too soon to know, but I'm going.   My job doesn't have a contract signed yet, so I'm kinda having to cut the hours back until that happens.

The health status is still doing strong.   I  feel great!   Get tired easy, but hey, it's better than the alternative.   And working with Dr. Pierone's office in Fort Pierce has been great!  The people I work with are awesome  Hi to Dawn, Irene, Jackie, Mirna, Kisha, Dorothy, and Max!!  They area fabulous... We all went to a benefit at the Club Byrd Cage for PFLAG and had a great time.  They raised about 3000.00 which a portion will be going to AIDS Research and Treatment Center.    Such a great time we had....

Well,  I hope that things are calm and loving in your life.    The new house has been nice.  Living with my sister has been maintenance free.. and all is well!

LOVE YOU!

September 11, 2002

Well today was one year from the horrible nightmare in NY.   Can you believe it's been a year?  Oh my time does fly.  Well, the house is great, Im working my butt off... more than part time.   And next week I leave for California for the United States AIDS conference for work.  Should be an interesting time with lots of great knowlege.   Then, on 2nd of October I leave for Costa Rica again to see Cesar and my other friends.   I just can't get that place out of my blood.  I am sure I will move there one day, but for now, Im doing ok the way things are.   Im still single, with no plans not to be.   A part time boyfriend here and there is fine, but thats it.  Thats the good thing about Costa Rica, close, yet far!

I tried to contact Jose the other day, just to be nice.  Imagine me, being nice.  Jose is the guy that broke up with me in the middle of chemotherapy.  Well, I tried to get an update on how he was, but he was rude and very elusive as it's none of my business how he is.  We have nothing to talk about!   What a shit head!  All because I didn't stop him from paying me back money, of which I actually didn't care about.   Oh well, ya can't be loved by the whole world.

Debra is 1/2 way through her divorce.  Poor gal, I feel so bad for her.   And this week she goes to Atlanta to get her implants removed.  She says that they are leaking!  UGH... if it's not one thing it's something else.

Dad is going in for knee surgery tomorrow!  Other than that he's doing fine.  The whole brood is good.   My last CAT scan was fabulous.. 18 months now into remission.  Can hardly believe it!

HUGS

Chris

August 31, 2002

Well 40 has come and gone!   Ya know what?  The age of forty is no big deal.  In fact, I kinda like it!   My friends and family had a birthday party for me, it was very nice.  Thanks to them all!   I had a great time.   My sister Jean and I are in our new house.    I can't believe we survived the move.  It certainly was a lot of work to get the inside of the place looking decent.   Then next step now is an outside renovation, but that can wait a little bit.

My new job, working for the AIDS Research center has been great.   Jackie and Irene are wonderful along with the rest of the gang.   It's been a great feeling to start to work again.   I hope the body can hold out and I dont push myself too hard.  I am trying to only do it part time to start, but tell ya what, once ya get working, the clock just seems to click by fast.   I will be a liason between AIDS patients and their treatment team.  The program is called the Emerging Communities Program and its funded by Ryan White.   Wish me luck, I certainly hope I can make a difference.   I will be travelling to California next month for the United States AIDS Conference, and then in Decemeber going to Dallas.   Sometime in between I need to go back to Costa Rica to see my friends.   Wow..... Life... it's a blast!

Cher was fabulous in New Orleans!  Cyndi Lauper was the bomb as well.   Michael had a great birthday there, in fact, we snuck down and got floor seats row 18!   You know me, gotta figure out a way to get an upgrade!! :)   So we did!   Wound up with 300.00 dollar seats for only 80.00.   Michael met some guy he really liked there, so all was good for his birthday!   I think I have now, officially spent time with just about every ex-boyfriend I have had in the last 3 years.   Only one remains, but the times we have spoke on the phone I think is enough!   So, now that I've decided to become a lesbian, I think I will find a girlfriend! :)

And?  PFLAG of Vero Beach is going to be helping ARTC and Dr. Pierone's clinic in Fort Pierce!   They are having a benefit at the Byrd Cage in Port St. Lucie, FL and are donating 25% of the proceeds to ARTC.  Thank you PFLAG and thank you President Derek!

Hugs to you all!!!   Just think, 17 months in remission!  It can be done, even when they say you ain't gotta chance!

ME!

August 13, 2002

Long time no see!   Sorry it's been a bit since I updated, but hey, I've been so busy lately.  First of all I went back to Costa Rica for a few days and saw my friends.  That was nice, laid back, and worth the trip.   This weekend I am going to New Orleans with some friends to go to see CHER in concert.   It's part of my 40th Celebration and Im quite excited about going.   It's not going to be a long trip there, but short and sweet.  Going with my Friend Michael Jackson, and meeting Martin and Rick there too.
 

I have begun to work again.  Working for the ARTC which is an AIDS research clinic.   Has been great so far, working with Jackie and Irene and the gang.   Hope that I can handle it!    So far so good, it has been nice getting back into the swing of things, and I have begun it part time working up to full time.   Wish me luck, I'm sure going to need it.

My last CAT scan came back negative, so it's now almost 1 1/2 years in remission.  I have definitely beat the odds on this one.   Thank GOD for that!

Some of you have asked about Debra.   I haven't heard too much, but do know right in the middle of all this medical crap, now she's dealing with a divorce.   I am certain you will keep her in your thoughts, I know I do.

My family is doing great.  All is well.   And the latest big deal is getting ready to move into a new home.   We are purchasing a house, and Jean and I are going to live there.   Finally breaking away from the parents once again.    So, live is in turmoil, but it's a good turmoil... :)

Thanks for checkin up on me and the "brood".   Life is good, it's tough, and it can make ya cry many tears, but just know that what goes crashing down, eventually comes back up!   Keep the thoughts of a smile on your face.

Oh, one more thought.  A very good friend of mine in Tampa just found out he has HIV.   I told him, hey, it's not the end of the world, and you have caught it at a much better time than before.   Please say a little prayer for him.   My thoughts are with him, and my love.

Chris
 
 

July 19, 2002

Hiya!!   How the Fuk are you? And how have you been?   So glad to see you stopping by again.   Things here are doing ok.   The new house is coming along.  Still a lot of work.  Carpet, Tile, Fixing up broken crap, and the shit of it all is Painting.  Oh my God, that's the worse.   Today I had breakfast with my old "long term" boyfriend Howard.   He has agreed to do the wallpaper in  the bathrooms which has me very happy.   We are trading two "CHER" tickets for the work.   Not a bad deal, and he's happy.

I have to have a CAT scan at the end of this month.   Not looking foward to drinking that white crap, but hey... what ya gonna do.  Ya have to do what ya have to do to live in this world, right?   The cancer is still in remission, and I feel good.  Started going to the gym again, and the extra energy helps too!   Starting to shed some of the excess weight I had put on.

My sister Patty was here for a few weeks with my newphew Marky.  We had a great time all of us.  Had a nice birthday Dinner for mom.  Today is her "official" birthday..  She is my angel, I am so lucky to have her.

My friend Debra was by the house today.  Oh the shit sometimes gets high before you can breath.  My heart goes out to her, and she can certainly use more postive thoughts and prayer from you.   She's hanging on by a thread, but, I know that thread is not going to break.   She has a lot of strength and one day she is going to look back and say, "Holy Shit, Where did I get the strength to deal with all that bullshit.  She is great soul, and a lovely person.   I am very glad she is near, and I know she feels the same way.  When we met it was like "destiny" in that Oncology office in Vero Beach.  All because she was wearing this really kewl Sandals.   I love her and know that it's all going to be good not too far in the future...

Well.. Let's see if I am missing anything.   I go tomorrow for the interview for the job.   They said they will take me on part time to start, and then we can work into the full time thing.    Thats going to do me a lot of good mentally.

See you in CyberSpace......   Christopher
 
 

July 11, 2002

Well let's see what's been going on.   I've been sending out my resume to obtain some work.  Going to try to get back into the work thing.   It's very scarey indeed.   The chance of losing all my medical benefits is a reality, yet I just can't continue this sitting around waiting for bad things to happen.   I miss my friends in Costa Rica, It's such an escape from reality, but is that mentally healthy?   I wish I knew.   Some friends say follow my heart, but it has always gotten me in trouble.   I've been in remission now 15 months.   I was reading some of the literature that I got back when I started the chemo and I have more than doubled the survival statistics.   It's so nice to beat the odds.  Maybe it's time to play the lottery.    Recently I made a memorial video about Costa Rica and my boyfriend who died.   It was quite an emotional ordeal, but I am really glad I did it.   If you would like to see it, here' the link.  Check it out when your done reading my updates.   The link is Click Here to see my VIDEO with  Fast Internet Access  if you have Dial Up then  Click here for Slower Internet Access .

Going to be moving soon.   Buying a new house in Vero Beach.  Guess I'm going to be puting down some roots again.  Not sure if I like that, but I guess it's time to move on with my life.  My family is doing great.   The trip to NY was wonderful.  Ate like a pig as always, had a great night with Michele and Margie at La Parma Restaurant.  That place has the best Linguini and Clam sauce in the world.  Well, it's so great that you stopped by and read a bit more of my life's crapola.  It's people like you that make this whole project worth doing.  Thank you again for being compassionate and caring, and for those of you who still give me the encouragement to go on, I LOVE YOU!!!!     Christopher
 
 

June 30, 2002

The trip back to Costa Rica was a test for me.   I wanted to see if I actually had put closure on William's death and going  back to the cemetary was a good test for me.   The morning that I planned on going it was pouring rain outside.   Rainning like cats and dogs.   A friend of mine stopped by and was going to go to the cemetary with me.   The cab ride took 25 minutes to a small town called los zapote.   The rain was making the roads a big mess.   We had a bit of trouble finding the place, but within minutes we arrived.   Amazing enough, the second the car stopped, the rain stopped too.   I jumped out of the cab ahead of my friend and the driver.  I wasn't even sure it was the right place.   As I made my way through the many plots, I found the place where William's body lay.   I had brought a beautiful arrangement of flowers and after only a few moments of silence, and after touching the wall, I was ready to leave.   The minute we got back in the car, the rain begain again.   A nice ending to a very weird experience.

The rest of the trip was wonderful.  Saw a many of my old friends and made a few new ones.    This trip was proved very relaxing and quite rehabiliating.   I even flew to Samara Beach and hung out with my friend's Patricia and James.  Her house is on top of a mountain overlooking the pacific ocean.   Such a great trip overall.  Met great people like Cesar and Abelardo, and in particular Diego.   I'll miss them all, such great people.

This week we begin fixing up my new home... .Yes.. Hard to believe, thats the next step.. A job and a home.

Well.. thats the update.... Off to NY tomorrow to see Michele...

HUGS

June 5, 2002

Happy June!  Summer is almost here.   Well, in Florida the last few days have been so hot and humid, I say summer is already here.   This past weekend Tim and I went to Orlando to spend the night in Orlando for Gay Day.   We didn't go to the Magic Kingdom, but we had a good time at the parliament house for their T-Dance.    There must have been 5000 guys there, I have never seen it that busy.  One of the great things was that I got to see my good friend Frank and got to meet his boyfriend Tracy.   What a great couple they make!  I am so glad they are happy and get alone so well.   Ya done good Frank, and so did you Tracy! :)

This Friday I leave for San Jose.   I am looking foward to the trip, I feel as though I want to put some flowers on William's grave and see some of my friends now that I'm feeling normal again.  Emotionally speaking of course, because we all know that I am NOT normal!   Losing someone is such a hard thing, but I will tell you, the pain of the loss does get less over time, and the good memories you have for that person give you pleasure once again.   I really do look at my brief relationship with William as a gift from the heaven's.   It really did renew my faith in love.

I really appreciate the input I have had from some of you who have read my manuscript for my book.   The input has been very constructive, and surprisingly I have not heard many negatives.   It gives me the motivation to keep writing.

Congratulations to my friend Jeff and his new relationship with Michael.   I wish them both the best of luck and that they enjoy getting to know each other in the deepest of ways.  I love ya Jeff.  If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have talked to that medium.

My dearest Debra.   HAPPY BIRTHDAY my friend.   I hope I look as good as you do when I hit your age.   You do look fabulous my dear, especially considering all that you've been through this last year.    I love's ya too, and continue to be strong.   I am sure that the new problems you are experiencing are only temporary, and that soon enough your life is going to take a major turn in a different direction and that you will be smiling from ear to ear.  The hard part is patience, a virtue many of us, me included, do not have much of.    Big hug to you and good luck in West Palm, Atlanta, and Orlando.

Talked with my good friend Michael from Tampa.   He was in a quandry regarding a relationship he was in and asked me for my advice.   I am honored he turned to me for some insight.   He made a tough decision to end it, and I am totally behind his decision.   If someone lies to you in the very beginning of a relationship, and you feel they do not respect others, then the relationship is doomed from the get and staying in it would be a big mistake.   If you can avoid big mistakes by using your values and ideals as a guide, then you are closer to greatness.   I loves ya boo !

Finished getting all my nursing credentials in order.  The CPR went fine, all my CEU's are up to date, and when I get back from Costa Rica, I am going to look at working part time somewhere.   I am going to get back into that work force and start putting my nursing skills to use.   If anyone knows anyone that needs some private nursing, let me know... I can help!  and cheap!

Well, If I don't get to update before I leave, have a great 2 weeks.   Feel free to drop me an email as I will be checking my mail in Costa Rica.   Hugs and Kisses.    You are all in my prayers.  The pain you feel is always temporary, and it will always shed some light onto your mind's eye.

May 31, 2002

Well hey y'all!  Hard to believe that June is just around the clock.   I've been doing some leg work regarding a job.   Getting my certifications finished, this saturday is CPR.   I have sent my resume out and hope that within the next month I will be working again.   I've decided not to worry about my benefits, as I think it will all work out in the wash.

Had a great conversation with my ex Mark last night.   It's amazing the wisdom some people have, no matter what age.   He opened my eyes to some of my stupid mistakes, and he and I talked for almost 2 hours about our relationship back then and some of the lies that I told.   It is good to own up to your own shit, it can set you free.    Owning up to your mistakes and mishaps can offset some of one's bad Karma.

Planning a few more trips before the full time job thing.   Going back to Costa Rica to do some charity work, and have more fun.  Want to visit William's grave site, and want to see some of my friends that were so nice to me during the funeral.   Also going to visit Michele and Linda and the brood in Long Island for July 4th week.   Want to use my free ticket on Southwest Airlines.

I had a dream last night.  It was another bioterroist act causing some type of skin disorders.  Ironically, my friend Jeff had a dream about that as well.  I hope I am not tapping into somebodies plan

Well...thats all for now.  Everyone is doing good so far.   Going for lab work next week.

Chris

Tim and I on Bourbon Street

May 18, 2002

Seems the book is going relatively well, I think I mentioned I will be turning it over to an editor in the next few weeks.   I am really excited about the message the book has to bring.   My friend Debra, if it's not one thing it's something else, seems as though they have found some masses in her mouth.  Not sure what to expect, she says she is going to have an MRI next week.   As frustrating as it get's I keep telling her not to give in to the turmoil, that if she keeps the faith, it will all turn out for the best.   Of course the trick is keeping postive, especially when all the shit just keeps piling up.

I enjoyed seeing Jose so much last weekend, that I think that we are going to hang out in Palm Beach tonight.   Even though our past relationship had some major twists and turns, there is still some wonderful feelings we share, and I think it's important that we continue to do so.   It's all in stride, and all in taking things a day at a time.   Right?   Slow and Easy.

I just renewed my Nurses License, and have caught up my CEU's and certifications.   Only have CPR to do next, and then it's off to the races.  I have even inquired about a NY state nurses license as I have considered going to NY for a few months.   The good thing about an RN license is that it is reciprocal in all 50 states, so I think I just have to send them money and I get my lic.

Well, still waiting for some other doors to open up.   The family is doing great.  My blood work is fine, although an increase in liver enzymes freaked me out, but Im told it's nothing to worry about.  So, I worried, and now Im done with worrying.

Tim celebrated his 40th birthday yesterday, he and Gary went out with Howard and Matt and a few other friends to dinner and down to the gay bar Byrd Cage in Port St Lucie.  I hear they all had a great time.   Happy Birthday Timmy!!!

Well... thats the update for the moment.....

Just got in from Key West, what a month.  First a few days in New Orleans with Tim, and then off to Key West with Jose.   We had a wonderful time together.   Talked about some of the nightmares we both shared last year, and how it changed our lives.  Overall it was a wonderful time.  Of course I figured out a great way to save 75% on the room, and we did it five star at the Wyndam Casa Marina.   We had a fabulous ocean view room with balcony.  Went on the wave runners, lots of margaritas and pina coladas at the beach, and had fun doing the night club thing.

Was putting the final touches on my book, and after 3 hours of revisions my damn lap top crashed, ugh.  Thank goodness I had it saved on Disk, but that really pissed me off!   Next step though is finding a good editor, I have one in mind, and she has offered to read my manuscript.   It's really been quite an experience putting my thoughts and experiences in writing,  a bit more than what this journal has been.    I'm really excited about it, and each time I reread my writings I learn a bit more about myself and the people in my life.

Well.... thats the update....   Stay cool, it's getting hot out there..   ME

May 6, 2002
 

First off the bat, Deborah is having more surgery.   Seems the implants have to come out :(  Keep her in your thoughts again.  I know she is going to get through all this shit, she just needs to keep up the strength.

Detachment from pain can offer constructive moments of reflection.   Now that the pain is not so severe when I think about Costa Rica, I can now enjoy the happy memories from that time.   It's a good thing, and quite amazing that now I can talk about William and my friends in Costa Rica and not have to feel so burdened by the pain.   I guess I have moved on, and I am so glad about that.

My ex boyfriend Jose came up to visit this past weekend.   It was a wondeful time, I think for both of us.   So nice to be able to feel again.   Not sure if that is going to go anywhere, but the mere fact that Jose is back in my life in some capacity makes me happy.   He is such a great person.   I konw what he had to deal with when I was sick was overwhelming, and maybe now he can get to know the Chris I am; not the Sick Chris I was!

Other than that?  Things here are going ok.   Pretty calm the last few days, ever since I talked to the medium.   Mom and Dad are on a 10 day cruise, and my sister and I have been watching the house.   Lately I've been working hard on my book.   Those who I have shared it with so far have all said good things about what they have read.  It's pretty strange putting my past experiences in writing.  It just opens the door to a lot of memories that I thought I had forgotten.   I'm not sure, but this autobiography might one day be published.  Who knows???

Well, Cudos to all, and happy moments and peace!  Chris
 

May 1, 2002

Well Hello Dolly's!!!  Oh my God I am still hung over from New Orleans!! (BURP) What a great time we both had!  We arrived on Thursday 25th in the evening, and I don't think we slept much until we got back on Monday 29th.  The hotel we stayed at was in the French Quarter, (french quarter suites) what a nice place it was too.  The help was so friendly and courteous.   We were very impressed by the hospitality.  We went for Jazz Fest weekend, but didn't get to the fest since we were too drunk to sit in the hot sun.  And yes, it was hot as a dickens.  Hotter than Florida that weekend.   Met some very nice people there too.  It was so nice to meet Lawrence  the bartender at bourbon pub and his boyfriend.  I sat on that barstool for hours and chatted with him.   The bars there were a lot different than Florida.  Very small, with a lot of back rooms.   I was actually a good boy and stayed out of those places, can you believe that?  I must be nuts.   Well it was a fun time.  Tim and I got along great, it was the first trip the two of us went on together alone since key west over 20 years ago for Tim's 21st Birthday.

Other than the trip, things are going well.  I am feeling good, kinda getting over the trauma from Costa Rica.  Ever since William's death, I have actually felt as though he spirit had been lingering.  Things were getting so strange that I actually consulted with a psychic/medium to help me explain what was happening.   I have to take a moment and thank Jason Oliver  (jasonoliver.com) for the fabulous reading he gave me.  It was so wonderful and so amazing.  He has helped with William's passing, and with my grief.  This guy was the real stuff..  So if you need a reading, visit his web site and tell him that I recommended you!  I found out that William needed my forgiveness.  Needed me to forgive him for hurting me so badly, and for letting me down.  So, I told the fucker (my love), I forgive you, I love you, I miss you, Te Amo, and please "step into the light" just like Carol Ann!   Of course I was a bit less crass than that, but that's the just of it.  No more crazy things have happened since.   I hope that chapter is now closed in my life and I can get started on the future, whatever that may be.

Mom and Dad are going on a cruise for their 43rd anniversary.   So, I think we might have to have a big party while they are gone.  If you'd like to come, just email me :) cblatusrn@aol.com
Hi and bon voyage to my friends Frank and Tracy for they are going to visit Paris next week for 2 weeks.  I wish I was going with them to see the Baron and Fabien.

Well, that's the scoop for now.  Ill be updating soon.   My book, It Only Takes One,  is coming along pretty well, so much to write about, but it's a direction, that's for sure.

BESITOS,

ME
 

April 25, 2002

Hello again!   Just finished packing and getting ready to leave tomorrow for New Orleans with Tim.   Tim is my best friend of 20 years.  The last time he and I went on a trip was for his 21st birthday when we went to Key West.   What a trip that was!  I remember trying to surprise Tim on the morning of his birthday with a bagel and a candle with a hotel room full of strangers singing happy birthday, and Timmy woke up and threw us all out of the room.  He then preceded to ream my ass out telling me I was an asshole because his hair was a mess and he looked like shit.   Trust me, there will be no surprise candle this birthday for him.

I got a very nice email from a girl named Laurie today from Princeton.   Laurie has been going through some major shit too over the last few months.  I want to thank her for her wonderful email and to say to hang in there.   Sometimes it takes  awhile before the good begins again.    I promise it will get better.. even if it gets worse before it gets better.  I think at this point if I can still be optimistic about this life, I think that almost anyone can.   Not being self centered because even as shitty as things have been for me the last few years, it certainly could be worse, but I just hope that anyone that reads these words can take a glimpse at what life is at this moment.

I told reminded my good friend Vicky today, after we ate dinner, to remember tommorrow morning when she sends the kids off to school just how short life can be.   Hug that kid, and tell your mom or dad you love them, cause that cliche that "life is short" or "you never know when your number is up" is so true.   This life, is about Love, Lessons, sometimes Pain, but always tests of your strengths.  Those tests always include the things that are dearest and mean the most to you.   Try to rememeber that, I know it's easy to forget.

Ciao For Now!!!
See ya after New Orleans!

April 22, 2002

Well it's been a month since William died.  In fact, this past weekend had a few landmarks.  The 20th would have been his birthday, the 21st was one month since the drowning, and tommorrow is one month since the funeral.  It's been tough, and a real test of my endurance, but with lot's of retrospective thinking, and lots of talking to family and friends, I'm makin it.   Thanks again for your thoughts.

On a lighter note.   This Thursday my friend Tim and I are going to celebrate our birthdays a bit eary at Jazz fest in "New Orleans".   Should be a great time, looking foward to finally getting to visit a  place I have not seen before.   I hear it's a lot of fun, and I can sure use the uplift at this moment.

I've been working on my book!  Yes, it's true, all that talk over all those years about writing a book and it's started and actually in process.   The name of the book at the moment is "It Only Takes One".   It's an autobiography of my life's adventures, from past to present.   My fight for my life, struggles with identity, philosophies on life, and the relationships with my friends, relatives, and strangers.   Lot's of dsyfunction, stories, and emotions in this book.   Ironically, it's going quite well.   I thank those of you that have read it so far and given me your wonderful input.
I am trying not to leave too much out....  Many will be mentioned in this book, and it will be a very eye opening experience.   There are many experiences in my life that I don't even talk about that I am addressing in the book.   There will even be a few people I am sure that it may piss off.

So.... that's the scoop for now.    I send best wishes to Krista and her students in their upcoming performance of Oklahoma.   I send warm thoughts and thanks to my friends James, Litho, David, Luis, Manuel,  Frank, Michele, Scott and Mark, Tim and Gary, Debra, Stacey, Howard and Matt, Jose, Robin, Paul Castro, and and my famly; all of which were so kind, and caring in their thoughts and actions during my Costa Rican crisis.   Thanks also to many of my cousins, aunts, and uncles for their kindness and compassion.

And for those of you that I did not mention, whom sent your words or kind thoughts, thanks to you as well.

Fondly,
ME!
 

April 18, 2002

We'll yesterday I made it to my therapist appointment.  What an emotional undertaking that was.  I made it through the entire Costa Rica William drowning story without a tear.  I actually couln't believe it.  Then, as I started to listen to the silence in the room, and began to analyze how much sadness I have experienced this last few years, I lost it!    It's so difficult at times, I gotta say.  So many loses in the last 2 years, including one of my best friends, who has decided our friendship wasn't worth a shit anymore.   All the heartbreak has been overwhelming, Break up with Jose, Paul moving to Boston, the lymphoma battle, William's death, my cousin's drinking, my sister's divorce, the list goes on and on.   I still try to just take life a day at a time, and remain as positive as one can be.

The scariest thing about my session yesterday with my therapist, was that I can see how some of my patients reach the breaking point.   I can see that in this moment, there is the possiblity of "cracking" and having a break down.   What a reality this has been.

Well, if ya ever need a person to compare your shit to, just give me a call.   You'll definitely see you haven't had it as bad as you might think you have.

Another thought!   My friend Debra is having a helluva time emotionally right now.  Mostly due to the draining physical fight she has had to endure.   Say a prayer for her to be strong, as I know that she will prevail... all she needs is a bit more confidence in herself.   I see her getting stronger everyday, but unfortunately, she will be the last to see it.  Cause that's how it works, we are always the last to see the improvement in our lives.

LOVE YA ALL>>> BUNCHES AND BUNCHES

PS... Saturday, April 20th, is William's Birthday, it will be my last goodbye as I am going to the beach to have my own personal memorial for him.   It would have been the day that he wanted us to share vows, so I think it will be appropriate.

HUGS

April 15, 2002
 

Sorry it's been so long since I did an update.  But it's been very difficult since the loss of William in Costa Rica.   I find myself thinking a lot about that whole time down there, it was some of the best of times and some of the worst of times.

My best friend Tim and I have been thinking on how to celebrate our birthdays.  Thoughts of Las Vegas, Atlanta, Key West, New Orleans, or even Costa Rica.  Tim's never been and I think he would have a great time.  I've also been debating about what to do next in this life of mine.  Returning to San Jose and visiting some of my friends there, or maybe going back to work as I seem to be getting a bit brain dead.   I'm hoping for some direction.

I've started on an antidepressant this week.   I think that's probably going to be a good thing as I have been very focused on the negative lately and not the positive.  I certainly don't want to be accused of being a hypocrite by those who's thinking I have influenced.  So, I'm taking some of my own advice which I tell my friends who are down ...and going to restart therapy and Celexa.

Tommorrow I think I'm going to start back at the gym and work on being beautful again! :0   Work that body, work that body.   Just call me Mr. Macho...

The family is doing well, everyone is healthy.  My Aunt Helen, Sister Regina Catherine, is down visiting Vero Beach for the month.. so it's nice to have a visitor here at the house.

Well... Talk to you soon...   ME
 

April 2, 2002
 

A LONG ASS ENTRY!  ( I MUST BE DEPRESSED)

Have you made a difference?  Interesting way to start an entry?  Well? Have you? Have you made a difference in someone's life in this world.   Think back, has anyone in your life ever told you that you actually made them think twice or somehow influenced the way they might do something?  Well, I can shout it out loud that I have made a difference.  At least that's what I've been told.  It's an amazing thing when someone you haven't heard from in a long time tells you that you influenced their life.   I've been lucky to hear those words a few times.   Even recently from a guy who once was hospitalized for trying to commit suicide, who is now proudly a rescue worker in Connecticut, saving lives.

I bet you have heard it too!   Think hard.   I bet if you think hard enough you will see that someone appreciates you, that you have made a difference in someone's life.  Whether you bought them a candle or a flower, sent them a stupid email, gave a big hug when needed, or just made a joke at the right time which put a smile on their face.  Im sure you have made a difference.  That difference that you made is going to  influence someone you might not ever meet.   It's love in motion, a perpetuation, and it's the true meaning behind life.

When I get down and depressed, I think of what I have, not what I don't have, and I think of who has appreciated me for who I am.   I remember that I have made a difference, and I become content with the life I have lead.   Cause if I were to die tommorrow, I know that I have tried to make a difference in the way someone else see's life.  Are you content?  If not, then do something about it!

This month is my first Anniversary of being cancer free.  Oh yes, that's right, one whole damn year has flown by.   And in that year I can say that I have been lucky, very lucky to have been loved by some pretty wonderful people.   Of course my family to start, and the very close friends that I do have, but oddly enough loved by some pretty neat strangers.  Whether it be cute guys in a third world country of Costa Rica, some new best friend down the street, or some  ex-boyfriend that live in another state,  I can say proudly that I have been loved.   Have you?

If you are reading my words then you can be sure, you have been loved too!  By who?  Well by me of course!  Sure,  I know there are a few of you that read my words who I never hear from.   And that's' fine,  a wink of my eye to you.  There are also many of you that do write and wish me well and give me confidence to continue the strength to live; a wink and a kiss to you.   And then there is that one person out there, that might be reading my words for he first time and might say, WHOLLY SHIT, this guy has just given me a reason not to give up!   And to you I give a KISS on each cheek, a hug, and a great slap on the ASS cause now you understand what this thing called life is really about.

So, since I am probably not making much sense at this moment I will stop and say!   Thank you for being who you are, Thank you for sharing yourself with someone who needs to be comforted, thank you for understanding the journey I have been on, thank you for having the courage to live and the courage to hug someone you don't even know.

Life is great... it's short, and it's precious!  Please try to enjoy it while you can.   In an instant it can be ripped away, as did my boyfriend William.   One thing I can say about william, he lived every minute to the fullest, and that guy was loved by someone the day he died.  Please be loved and maybe love someone before you die.   Cause one day, you and I will be no more!

THANKS FOR THE VISIT!!  (the long ass entry has ended)

CHRIS
 

March 29, 2002

Life can be so crappie at times.  Just when you think you are back on top, and that the worst of things are over, you get another blow to test your endurance.   They say that God only gives you as much as you can handle... but damn it, I wish he wouldn't have so much faith in me.  My boyfriend William Gambora Argedas died on 3/21/2002 at 2:30 pm.  He was swimming in Costa Rica, at Manuel Antonio, and the undertow took him into the sea.   His body was found the next morning at 9:30 am.

I just got back from Costa Rica, and usually I have such fun stories to report.  Unfortunately, this time was to bury my Tico Boyfriend.  William was young, but the guy was full of potential, fun, and love.   We had such wonderful times together.  Lots of laughs, and even tears when the time came for me to leave.   One night, amongst many tears, Willie begged me not to leave.  I had to come home for a Cat scan and promised return for his birthday on April 20.  After we cried, I told William, when you are sad and missing me, look at the moon.... and when I am sad and missing you, I will look at the moon too!   And I bet that many nights we will be looking at the moon at the same time.  He cried more, but then kissed me and said, "te amo" (I love you).

The night that William was missing, I went outside to pray, and to find the moon!  I needed to see the moon to feel close to William.  There was no moon on that night that I could find.   There had been the night before, but on April 21st, nothing.   The next morning at 10 am I received a phone call.  They found his body on the rocks at the beach in Quepos.  I went outside to smoke a cigarette and cry.... and at 10 AM...  directly above me... there was a full moon, in the broad of day light.   The tears fell rapidly down my cheek.

I immediately booked a flight to San Jose and barely made the funeral.  It was one of the hardest moments in my life.   Such a talented beautiful boy, taken at such a young age.  He was a professional transformista.... (drag queen) and let me tell you.  This boy had just won a major contest and was going to be representing DeJa Vu (Major gay bar) in the Tranformista of the year pageant.  I believe he would have won.     You can see for yourself how beautiful he was.

I will miss you William, and I do understand his words from a song by La Ley, "Sin Dolor no te Haces Feliz"... Without pain, there is no happiness.... "Tu Lengua mi amor, y recuerdas...Yo Miro a la Luna para ti!"

And One Final thing:  On my flight back from the funeral.... in the airplane at dusk, I saw the sunset out my left hand window, and a full moon out the right hand window.  To me, this was a sign from William that his is there, and thinking of us.  Behold the moment captured on film.
 

March 22, 2002

I got some horrible news today..  I received a phone call that my new "boyfriend" has drowned at the beach in costa rica.  He's missing and this morning the coast guard is looking for him.  I am praying that he is a live and just missing.  Please take a moment to pray for him.  This is horrible...I cant believe that this is happening to me with all that has gone on this last 2 years.  God please pray for William.... and if you have taken him.. Pray for his soul.

March 21, 2002 PM

James from Colours called me and told me that he heard from an unreliable source that William is missing at the beach and he may have drowned.   I'm praying that William has strayed and that he just didnt tell anyone.  I'm hoping this is all a nightmare, and that by tommorrow some good answers will come.  I've spent the night calling and Emailing anyone possible to see if the rumours are true and in fact there was a drowning at the beach..   I'm  a FUCKING mess..
 
 

March 21, 2002

So what's the scoop?  How you been?  Good to see you again!   Just got in from Long Island New York, and Jesus it was so cold there.   Not only was it 27 degrees..but it snowed.  Very yuk indeed.  Crappy enough for myself to catch an upper respiratory infection, but nothing major..  Just enuf to make me feel crappie.   I think I'm going to go back to Costa Rica again, maybe get an apartment for the month instead of wasting all of the parental moneys on hotels.   Have some frequent flyer miles I need to get rid of... and what the heck.. not much going on here.   I have a few more months until I feel confident I am in the clear medically and not have to worry about relapse.   April will be my 1 year anniversary, and guess what?  I don't want to be here to celebrate..   Can ya blame me?   So... I also have an invitation to come to Paris France, kinda scary for me.. I am thinking about it.    Would love to see Baron Paul and Fabian in Gay Paris...  Met them in San Jose this year... and had a wonderful time.  If ya ever get a chance to meet up with them, they are 2 of the nicest persons you will ever meet.

Still feel as though I am in Limbo.. but it's a good limbo I suppose.. not a bad limbo.  I have thought about just staying put and doing more volunteer work.. but it's hard for me to stand still with all the doctor's appointments, and jaunts to here and there.   I think this time I go anywhere, Im going to work some more on my book.   Lord knows. it's been since 9/11 since I picked up the lap top and typed.

Congratulations to my friend Frank and his reconciliation with Tracy.  I knew it would be... hopefully they will hang in there this time.  And Debra is doing well.. few bumps in the road here and there.. but I know she is going to prevail.  I told her it wasn't going to be easy, but would be doable.

Love to you all... Friends, Family, and the occasional new visitor!

Chris
 
 
 

March 4, 2002

Howdy!!!  Good to see your fabulous eyes again!  That's right.. I can see you when you read this stuff... and I feel ya in my heart.   So, if you're here, you're wanting some serious scoop on what's up with me and my life en this moment.   Well, as you might know already,  I was in Costa Rica for a month, and after a month, I fell for a 20 year old boy who just stole the ole heart away.   I know I know, I'm stupid... I've heard it from everyone, but Im trying to reevaluate things and say, It ain't going no where.... so, go back again and put closure on it now!  So, I'm leaving on Wednesday.    I probably wouldn't go back this soon, but William was in a car accident and was hurt a bit, nothing serious, but nurse Chris to the Rescue.

My family is doing good.. My sister Jean filed for her divorce, It's been really hard for her, after all it would be easier if her future ex was a jerk... but he is not.  He's a very nice guy!   I wish them all the love in my heart to mend.   I love you Jean!

Mom and Dad are great... My good friend Stacey is having some trouble with Post Pardum depression.  You guys were so great writing to Debra,  Im gonna ask you to maybe write to Stacey this time.    Her Email Address is  Staceha@aol.com, a quick click on the link and Im sure it might help.  Love you!

Debra's update:  Well, seems there's a bit of rejection going on with the reconstructive surgery!  So poor Debra is hanging on by a shred to keep her sanity!  She will be fine, as I've said from the start of it all... but maybe if ya have time.. another hang in there would be great.  Just Remember DEB....  YOU DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!! YIPPEE!....   Love ya.

As for my Health??? Well,  Blood work last week was great!   Have a check up tomorrow, and I think I'm due for a CAT scan in April.  If negative that will celebrate my FIRST year in REMISSION!!!  and Ironically ... this is the year of my 40th birthday.!!!  ( don't tell anyone)

So, I'm doing ok!  Think it's time to start some therapy again... maybe a new therapist cause I think between surviving the cancer, and the major break up with Jose, I'm ready to be institutionalized and diagnosed psychiatrically!~~   :)  But... I cherish life more than ever!

Geez.. some update... well.. I wont be back for 2 weeks... cause after Costa, Im visiting Michele and Carly and the rest of the bunch in Commack.  SO until then.. Keep smiling, stay sane..and if you get neurotic, there is always XANAX!! !  :)

MUAH....   Chris
 
 

FEBRUARY 20, 2002

My GOD, has it been a month already?  Well, so much has happened...  First off,  I have to thank everyone of you who took the time to write to my friend Debra.  She had her surgery and did well, a bit sore from all the hacking, I think the worst of it all was her falling asleep on a heating pad and getting burned.  Well, not really, but it was a kicker to the whole event.   I brought her back some of that spiritual healing holy water from Cartago, Costa Rica, and the minute she got it, she drank some.   So whatever the outcome of the surgery biopsy, I am very confident, she will be fine.  How can she loose, she's had wonderful support from all of you!  The love and the energy is definitely something that heals.  After all.. look at me!

A month in Costa Rica.. what an event that was.   Almost getting arrested for not paying a cab fare, Having love spats with my adopted boyfriend, and watching all the drugs in that country.. OH MY!!   But, on  a great note, I did meet some very interesting and wonderful people including the Baron of France and his lover Fabio, William Gamboa (my fill in 20 yr old  boy toy), and even some obnoxious Americans, but hey, it was all Good!   It's amazing how quickly the time went, and now I am back in Vero Beach, just waiting for who knows what.  Possibly a new trip to New York... or even  a trip in the spring to see the Baron in Paris.

The bad thing about having such a wonderful time away, is that coming back is such culture shock that Im having withdrawls.  I knew it would happen, but didn't think it would be this bad.   I'm sure there is a wonderful adventure on the horizons.... GOD told me! :)

I guess the next thing to wonder about is getting back into the work force.  Trying hard to get myself psyched...but it's hard ..that's for sure.   I have so much to be thankful for.. but soon I have to decide where to live, what to do.  Maybe Ill go back to school and do some computer stuff, who knows.  Looking for a new door to open, but until it does... Keep tuned in!  Love to you all.... and special hug to Debra.

Chris
 

JANUARY 20, 2002

Just got some Bad news  that my good friend Debra is going to have to have a double massectomy.   I am taking this moment out to say a prayer for my friend Deb and hope you can join me.  She is such an uplifting person, and now I want her to believe that all the giving that she has done for people over the years, is gong to pay off, and be returned to her 10 fold.   Her surgery is on February 7th in Palm Beach.  the fear of Breast Cancer is overwhelming, just a quick note would be great...Maybe you can share a story of your own triumph over bad odds.  .Just let her know she is in your prayers.. .please??  This is not a chain letter.. .Just an excerpt from my Diaries at gaychris.com

Unfortunately I will be out of the country during Deborah's surgery.  Please if you read this update, take one moment and send a happy thought to my friend Deborah.   A happy thought, a caring thought, a compassionate thought, is that same wonderful energy that creates miracles in people's lives and provides warmth in their heart!.   And one day, just when you are down in the dumps and feel that life isn't worth much.... someone like me, or Deborah will be sending you our special thoughts to you, to help you get through the hardships that this world drops on us.   Many people all over the world have read these words... I am a lucky guy that my words touch so many people.   If my words have touched YOU, then I am grateful and feel so glad that my words touched your life, in some small way!  It means I have made a difference.  Now I would like my words to help make a difference in Deborah's outcome from this Mastectomy.

Please say A Prayer!

Love Chris

JANUARY 4, 2002

Well... the results are in!!!  CAT scan number  (# Im losing track), NEGATIVE>>>> ALL SYSTEMS GO!
Yep, that's right... still DaisyFresh and Clean!  I remain in remission and continue to thank everyone.. God, my friends, even some of my "enemies"... they give me the Oomph to keep it going !!   So, now comes the weird part... how to get back involved with life again.  I have been doing some volunteer work for the Dr.'s office in Fort Pierce.. been doing some case management and chart review to help them out.  It's been nice... but I need to find out when I can think bout going back to work full time.   This traveling is getting a bit boring actually.. and expensive.  Went out to Palm Beach this weekend.. went shopping with my new friend Bryan, we had a great time shopping at Armani, and doing  lunch and dinner.   Later that night we did go to a few of the bars.. but they weren't all that great.   This coming weekend Queer as Folk is back!  I certainly cant wait cause this along with Sopranos, Sex in the City, and Six Feet Under are my favorites.  Queer as Folk is on Sundays on Shotime.

I have a favor to ask of you all... My friend Debra is facing some scary stuff right now with a biopsy coming up, and if you can fit a prayer or two in to help give her the strength and courage to face the next path... I would really appreciate it.  She has been an Angel, and I know that with the energy and power behind everyone's prayers, and her courage and vigor, she will weather the Storm Just fine!!!

Think Im going to be returning to Costa Rica in a few weeks.   I have a free ticket to return on American Airlines, and I wanna use it before they go belly up!   Other than that, all things are great.. I feel good.. Didn't even get the flu.. I am so glad I got a flu shot this year..      HUGS
 
 

JANUARY 1, 2002

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! Oh, My goodness, what a year it has been!  From a crusie in the bahamas, to a hospital bed in Gainesville, Florida, to then travel around the country and to central America.   It's been a trip!  I've revisited some old boyfriends, met some new ones, and decided that being single, isn't the worse thing in life that could be.   I am thankful that I am in Remission with my lymphoma and to date, I have had no signs of relapse.  In fact, tomorrow morning, actually five hours from now, I will have another CAT scan to check and make sure that things are still "ducky".   After this test comes back OK, my next step is to set out and fall in love again.   Whether it be old love reborn, or new love, I'm ready to give of myself like I have never given before.   That next guy is going to be some lucky person! :)

New Years Eve was quiet for me... after spending time in Orlando for a few days, I decided to stay home this weekend and be with my family.  So at midnight I had  a Dirty Martini and a glass of Champagne, with my family as we watched the ball in Times Square come down.    The goose bumps did fly, as we all prayed nothing bad would happen.. and it didn't.

My prayers, thoughts, and love, is sent to you all that read my page.   I wish you all the best in this New year.  As it will bring it's ups and downs like every other year, I do suspect, it will be a far better year than the previous two!  Keep smiling, even if you don't feel happy, and sooner or later you will be feeling better!!!   PEACE! YOU GOOF BALLS!!!

CIAO  CHRIS

DISNEY WORLD WITH PAUL

DECEMBER 28, 2001

On December 23rd, I went to Orlando to pick up my friend Paul from the airport... My Costa Rican Friend who now lives in Boston.  He had never been to Disney, so, we did the Magic Kingdom and Pleasure Island.  Had a great time.  God a fabulous room at the Wyndham Palace for only 70 bucks a night... usually 300.   It was great to see Paul again, and wonderful to have someone close on Christmas morning.   That afternoon, we had another wonderful Ravioli dinner.   It was awesome... But the visit was too quick.  As Dec 26 I had to take Paul back to the airport.

I did manage to get to see my friend Cookie in Orlando.  We chatted for hours and caught up on stuff...She is such a sweet person... I wish she'd move back to Vero.

Well.. only days now until 2002.   I leave you with best wishes for the coming year... I hope and pray that this year is much better than 2001.

Love...chris

DECEMBER 17, 2001

Counting down the days until Christmas.. Egad!  I hope you are all out shopping and spending money to buy me big presents!  Things here have been great so far.  Put up the tree, the lights..and ho ho ho.. where's Santa?  This year Im importing an old boyfriend in from the Holidays... Paul is coming down to spend a few days with my family and I... then he and I are going to Epcot and maybe the Magic Kingdom.  Im really looking forward to it.   I'm getting that Costa Rican itch again.. and since I have a free ticket on American, I might go down end of January.. And then maybe go on another cruise with my friends to Mexico..only they don't know it yet!! :)  Maybe we can get Stacey to come with us this time.   I'm feeling great!    Next CAT is beginning of January!  I have begun doing some volunteer work for the treatment center in Fort Pierce (ARTCTC), doing some chart reviews to give back to the community a bit.  I've done a bit of case management for them as well.  It keeps my brian juiced up and gives me something do do as I wait and see how my body holds out.    I'll probably update again soon.. ... Wishing you a great Holiday Season, and drive carefully!!   Love .... ME!

DECEMBER 7, 2001

I can tell you, there's a lot more security at the airlines these days.  My last few flights I've run into many National Guard with Machine guns and rifles.  And my carry on "fag bag" has been searched thoroughly several times.  It's a good feeling.  And the Army checks your trunk when you go into the parking lot.  This country is sure changing.

My trip to Providence, RI (Boston) was wonderful.  I stayed at the Westin Hotel in Providence with my old honey Paul Castro.  We had a great time, and now he wants to come to florida for Christmas.  I think that would be a great gift for me.  What ya think?   My best friend Michele and Stacey came to Vero Beach today.  We all drove up together from Boca with Stacey's new baby.  He is so adorable... My God.. and I helped deliver him ... Ya gotta see his face...

NOVEMBER 30, 2001

Well, Thanksgiving has past, and now is the countdown until Christmas.  Only weeks until we are all scrambling under the Christmas Tree to unwrap the crap we tend to have to bring back anyway.  The hustle and bustle of it all can be frustrating, but, it is a chance for us to reflect on what is truly important to us as we are closer to our families at this time.

Knock on wood, my health remains intact.  No signs or symptoms of anything dreadful at all.  In fact, I think it's time for another trip on a plane.  Where to this time?  First stop will be the Boston area to visit my Costa Rican boyfriend of the past, Paul Castro.   Paul's been in the states now for a few months, and that holiday loneliness has kicked in... so Chris Kringle to the rescue.   After 3 days in Boston, I will be jetting to Commack Long Island again to see my loving friend Michele, her great sister Linda, and the rest of the klan.  Hopefully the weather will hold out and I won't have to experience that crap called snow.

The other day I got to see my good friend Debbie "D", and we had a nice afternoon as she met my family.  She's such a wonderful lady who has been battling all kinds of traumas this last year.  We have bonded in a special way since our lives have crossed paths.  If you ever need an uplift, write DrDistant@aol.com a brief email... She's an amazing women.  Love ya Deb!

The holidays can bring about sadness to some, it can be a very hard time when we reflect on those we have lost in the last year.   Try not to let it overwhelm you, as those moments are usually brief, and can be overcome with love and patience.

I had a wonderful opportunity to have a very long chat with another ex of mine, Mark "J", we had a major falling out back in 99, but with the magic of God, we were finally able to touch base in a wonderful way, and that maybe our friendship is on the road to mending.   If you ever see these words Mark, Thank you and Happy Holidays!

So.. gotta finish packing.... Gonna see my friend Stacey and the new baby tonight, and will fly out of Ft. Lauderdale tomorrow morning.   Wish me luck.... Say a prayer, cause special prayers always go out to all those who read these words!!!

Besitos (kisses),
Christopher

NOVEMBER 17th, 2001

My wonderful sister friend Stacey, had a wonderful 7# 5 oz. baby boy today..and I HELPED!  Yeppers... was right there for the delivery, and what a great feeling that was.   Stacey had her labor induced around 2:20, and by 8:49pm, Benjamin Ross Handis arrived.   Poor baby has some minor complications, but nothing that's not going to get fixed.  What a great site to see Stacey holding that little bambino.  Hopefully will have some pictures soon!   The next day, on Saturday, I performed my 3rd wedding ceremony.  My friend Jodi Bellanger got married, to Paul Colberg, such a cute ceremony, short, sweet, and with lots of love and affection.   Congrats Jodi, and good luck to you both!    Everyone here is doing fine.   My recent lab work was wonderful, my Viral load is still Undetectable, and everything is looking My-T fine!   I miss costa rica, and the friends I made.  Guess Im just gonna have to go back very soon..   Imagine that ! :)

Hugs and Kisses, and see ya soon...

PS.... HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY!!!! AND REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS IS JUST A LITTLE BIT AWAY!

NOVEMBER 12th, 2001

Just when we think it's safe to fly, Jesus Christ Help us all.   Today, at 9AM as I waiting for my cab to pick me up in San Jose Costa Rica, I heard the news of a plane crash in NY, near Kennedy Airport.   Another tragedy with an American Airlines Jet... the same Airbus I have to take today to return back home to Florida.   I'm a bit scared, but hey, the cards have fell in my favor so far, so what do I have to loose.

Made it back, safe and sound!  Had a wonderful time... Many new friends, and many wonderful memories.   Costa Rica continues to offer me solice, as well as a sense of rejuvenation!   The warmth of the many people, and the difference in the culture is a great thing for me.   I guess Ill be adding some more pictures soon on my costa link!

I am still doing well!  It's a living miracle I must say so myself!   I continue to pray, not just for me, but for all that I know, and even many I do not know!  I feel good!   Will start working out in the gym again this week.. Took a mini vacation!  Think I gained a pound or two drinking and eating in Costa Rica.

Special Congratulations to my good friend Tonya for her miracle child Taylor!  Taylor was born 7 weeks early at 4 pounds 8 oz... and is doing great at Indian River Hospital!   I am so happy for Tonya, and Jeff!!!  I have a cuban cigar for Jeff...he just doesn't know it yet!!!

And my good friend Stacey Handis will be Popping one out as well!  No, not a cigar.... a baby boy... !   Hopefully after my wedding on Saturday!   I've been hired to perform a wedding ceremony for my old friend Jodi....

Well.. that's the update... the family is great!   I am Great!  My friends doing great!   Michele and her sister Linda are talking again... they were feuding a bit, but hey, that's what family do!    Love em all!

Tim and Gary are doing fine.. Gary is working his ass off as usual, during this time of year... working for Gracewood Groves helping to coordinate the shipping of Citrus for the holidays!  And Tim, Cutting hair at Regis at the Indian River Mall!  Doing a good job, ironically, the same salon that I sued for 3000 dollars for burning my scalp 2 years ago!

Any who!  This is getting long!   Thanks for dropping by!   Oh, and if you see my cousin John?  Tell him he needs help!

ME!

OCTOBER 22, 2001

Well, I'm getting ready to pack my bag for one of my final trips for the year.   With all the crap going on in the country, Anthrax, small cox (I mean pox), and other terrorist crap; It's time for another trip to San Jose, Costa Rica.   The airfare went way down... 220 round trip which is unbelievable... so... Im going for 10 days!   This time I don't have anything serious waiting for me, so it will be for R & R, and fun!   My health is doing great!   I get scared every once and a while, remembering the nightmare of the last year, but I say a little prayer, and think positive.  Then I usually feel better!    I have been going to the gym a few times a week, which has really made me feel, and starting to look much better.  Even one of my ex boyfriends made compliment, twice in the same hour!   Made me feel good!

Well... Wishing everyone the best of the best!  Careful opening up your mail!   Big hugs..

chris

OCTOBER 13, 2001

Hi Folks, What a weekend I had!  OiE Vey!  Ya gotta know what happened.   My friend Tim and I (pic below) were going to go to a bar in Melbourne this Thursday for a few drinks, but the bar was dead.  We didn't even go in... spontaneously we went to Orlando.  The bar in Orlando we went to was Southern Nights!  When we got there, I had the car valet parked and just as I got out of the car, I heard a loud, shrieking scream.  I didn't even close my car door, ran across the street and found a young boy laying on the sidewalk, unconscious.   His friend was yelling and screaming.   I ran over to check his pulse, and it was beating about 160 a minute, and just as I was telling my friend Tim the kid seems ok, maybe a bit messed up.... HE STOPPED BREATHING!   What a way to start an evening, I couldn't believe it.   I've done CPR in an ambulance, and in the hospital, but never actually did "mouth to mouth" on a person before.   Had to breathe for the kid for about 10 minutes before the ambulance arrived.  And imagine this, I'm trying my hardest to keep this kid alive, and when the ambulance arrives, the paramedic tells me to back away or I will be arrested!   I gave him a report, told him I was an RN, told him the kid was in respiratory arrest, and then he still said, get away... before he was even set up to take over respirations.  What an ASSHOLE!  OH well... Im venting!

Anyway, I got an update call today and the boy, "chris", is doing fine!   He was discharged from Orlando Regional Hospital, and is doing ok.   His friend called me and told me that Chris has a bad heart, and combination of drinking and a fight with an EX, caused his heart to freak and stop his breathing!

After all the commotion, the management gave Tim and I free admission to the bar, and 4 free drinks!!!  So the kid lived, and we got drunk!   What a life!

PS.... Orlando was fun!

OCTOBER 7, 2001

Today the US began it's strike back against the terrorism of 9/11/2001.   I think that most people in this world have mixed feelings about this.   The need for revenge was deep in our souls, yet, a bit of fear about the future.   What's to happen next?  Bombings of a bridges?  Crashing of other mass transportation?  Catastrophes' at a tourist's vacation spot?  Or germ warfare?  It's very scary indeed.

If you have a loved one, Kiss them today!   If you don't, hug a friend!   If you have no friends, then call me up or email me, and I'll send you love!   We must continue to find the love within ourselves and share it with the world.   It's been easy lately, I certainly hope we don't forget it later!

WARMEST REGARDS!

OCTOBER 5, 2001

The Results are in!  Another Negative CAT scan.  YIPPEE!!  Tonight I am going to go out with my friend Tim and party till the night is over!  My Dad had to have another Angioplasty.  He was complaining about some chest discomfort last week, and I said, What are you waiting for?   The next day he went to the MD, and now he's glad he did.   Probably saved himself from a heart attack.   I'm trying to decide on another trip.   Not sure where to go.  Perhaps you might have a suggestion.   My friend Frank mentions New Orleans, I've thought of Costa Rica again, or maybe that Las Vegas thing.   Who knows... .ready for another door to open.   I'm also thinking now of doing some part time work, and maybe moving out of my parents.   It's time to move on!   Hugs and Kisses, and I'll keep you posted.

An added note!   A young guy who I've been talking to for years, Penmen33 from New Hampshire, called me last night.  He wants to write a college paper on me and all that I've been going through.  Isn't that wonderful how all this crap I've gone through has actually helped and encouraged others?   I'm so honored that he asked my permission.  Of course I told him I am available for special appearances! :)

Kisses!

OCTOBER 2, 2001

CAT scan today, Oh how I love drinking that god damn barium.. .YAK...!!  Oh well, I guess there are things much worse than that.  At least I'm alive and able to drink that crap.  The Banana is the worst, don't let them tell you different, I think it cost more and that's why they recommend it! :)   Don't know the results of today's scan, but, I feel good, I look decent, and hey, could I be lucky 3 times in a row?  Sure would be nice.  I've decided to start to "live" my live again if this one is clean too!   I mentioned the other day, I'm in Limbo!

I did meet another really wonderful person today.  Her name is "G" and she just found out she has Leukemia.  Another bad hand at poker, huh?   Well I can tell you, that when I met this girl, she had the "hi Pro Glo", definitely a bright energy, and a light that will be almost impossible to extinguish.  So that's good news for her, she's going to get through her little "lesson" just fine.   She's in for a few surprises, and some major tears, but in my heart she will be A OK!

Had lunch with another wonderful person today!   My new friend "Deb".   She took me for a wonderful sushi lunch.  Yes, I know, Im not supposed to eat sushi, but fuck it!  Ya gotta live sometime.   And it was great!   We had a great time, and I had a good laff when she forgot her ATM card in the machine and had to go back to get it!  Thank God those machines are trained to "suck up" your card if you forget it.   She got her card back!

One more bit of observation:  Today, I looked to the sky to see the beauty in the clouds, and to my surprise I saw a bunch of "horny" male "love bugs" trying to mate with a female.   What a site to see.  That poor little girl being bombarded by men.  Kinda like "bare assets" I suppose.... (that's a strip bar).   Well.. Ill let ya know what happens soon.    BIG BIG BURP!!!

HUGS

SEPTEMBER 29, 2001

I'm feeling lately that I am in limbo.  What do I mean you might ask?  Well, let me share with you a little bit of reality after you fight a battle in cancer and win.   You wonder, have I won the war, or is this just temporary?   You feel fear, on a regular basis as to whether an ache or pain is the beginning of a new battle, or if it's just normal aches and pains of life.  And relationships?  I wonder if my recent medical history is going to scare off anyone new in my life, or not.   I ponder about going back to work and if so, would I loose my medical benefits.   All this thought.   I wonder how do I look, and when will I stop hurting emotionally.  Pain from my last relationship echoes in my head and heart.  Today my ex, Jose, moved away from Vero Beach.   He left for Miami, and did not ask to say good-bye today.   So that kinda of bothered me in a way, but, I was strong and did just fine with it.  I've started working out in the Gym a few days a week.   It's been relaxing, and starting to get rewarding for me.   Piece of mind I think is most important at this point, so I'm focusing on that.

I've gone out to a few clubs the last few weeks, and am really starting to think that the night life isn't much for me anymore.   It really is geared to the under 25 crowd, and as much as I'd love to be 25 again, it ain't happening.  Although I'm looking very good for "39", in fact, some still think 29... the reality is, I am not!

I am thinking about another trip to Costa Rica.... Love to get away... and lately the guys down there are getting to be my extended family.   People like James and David, really become a part of a life of carefree moments.   And the boys down there are so cute, and I love learning spanish.

I also think how close I was to being one of the fatalities in the New York World Trade Disaster.  I look at those pictures of Shane and I on top of the world, and just cringe at the memories of all those wonderful workers, and all that beauty ... gone.   It's so sad, and I can sense the sadness in the world.  It's really overwhelming at times, that's for sure.  We are in for some more bad stuff here in our own country.  I pray to GOD for mercy.

Went to a BBQ at an old Ex boyfriends' house last weekend, Howard, and ya know, it was very fun actually.  Who would ever think that one could be friends with an EX.   After 10 years of on and off turmoil... lol, but it was a great event.  Looking forward to more of them.

And today?  My Dad made his world famous "homemade ravioli".   It's a tradition in our family, and we had some friends over to enjoy the night.  Here's the newest link on my page with pictures of the ravioli feast!   Should be in a day or two!

Well,  it's getting a bit tired, and my "ambien" has just started to kick in.  So for now, Ciao Bella, Hasta La Vista, Later!

LOVE:  ME
 

SEPTEMBER 21, 2001

As we get close to the next World War, many of us reflect on what is important to us.  If anything good has come out of this tragedy, I must say that it must be the fact that some people are starting to be more caring and compassionate.   That this country is starting to come together as a whole again.  As Rosie O'Donnell's son Parker said this week, "Don't be Sad, Just Pray!"  Quite profound I must say coming from a 6 year old.
 
 

SEPTEMBER 15, 2001

It's still hard to believe what all is happening right now with our country and the world.   There have been many emails circulating with quotes from Nostradamos about the signs of the end of the world.  Is that a prediction?  Or did those Assholes who planned this read the same book?  I did get a really great picture today from my friend David in Costa Rica.  We as Americans always bounce back, and we will bounce back from this too.   The picture below is just a great vision of how we can think positive and see the vision of tomorrow.   We will pass though this horrible tragedy... hopefully without too many more people dying.   And when we do, we will be wiser, and we will be satisfied with the outcome.

As you all watch the News, whether it be CNN or FOX or whatever.... just remember how lucky you are to be able to sit at your computer and read these words.  Take the time to smell those damn flowers, and look at the stars because as I keep saying... we don't know when are life on this Earth will end.   Do you think any of the thousands of people who died this week thought they wouldn't be checking their emails or their favorite web pages ever again.

Love to you all.
 

Thinking into the Future!!!

September 11, 2001

Another Day that will live in Infamy!
 

This update is usually about me!  But, I must take one moment and think of the many people who died today, or were hurt very badly in New York City, and in Washington DC.   I have been to both places recently, and am in great sorrow.  I think that I was in NYC at the World Trade Center only a week or so ago, and am in deep thought of this.  More pics of the towers before the Terror on my NYC link at My Trip To NYC link

Today was a horrible day for the United States and the World.   If you pray, please pray for everyone who has been touched by this very Shitty incident!
 
 
 

SEPTEMEBER 9, 2001

The weekend has been interesting.   On Thursday I went to a club in West Palm (Kashmir) with my Friend Tim, and being there, and out in the clubs the last few weeks, I have felt almost invisible.  In my past, I am used to much eye contact and much attention, and the last few weeks, I haven't felt very attractive at all.  When I mention it to my friends, they say that it's natural.  They say that I need to remember how bad the last year has been, and to look how much progress I have made in the last few months.  But at times, it doesn't help the fact that my last boyfriend pretty much abandoned me in the middle of chemotherapy, and I still feel that loneliness.  The reality is that all I really have is ME.   When I meet someone intriguing, It stirs up the emotional pot and all that pain of the past comes back to haunt me.   Oh MY!  I guess meeting a new guy the other night is what has kinda stirred it up a bit.   With all my secrets intact, and knowing I have to share them with someone else at one point.  It gets overwhelming, thats for god damn sure.

Of course there are many wonderful friends and relatives that are close by, but there is still something missing in my life.  I certainly hope that the powers above will direct me to where I need to be directed in helping fill this void.   I am certain that this feeling is temporary, but I felt it was worth sharing!

This has been an amazing weekend.   Learning about new friends, learning about new acquaintances, reminded that I am and have never been alone in this cancer ride.   And knowing that my journey so far, has helped others to go through theirs.  This for me is very rewarding.  This for me is a part of what is the true meaning of LOVE.
 
 

SEPTEMBER 5, 2001

Back from Gainesville for my final check up with Dr. Lynch at Shands.   Took the trip with my sister Jean, had a nice time and a great dinner at Boston Lobster Feast in Orlando.  If you like Lobster, Crab, and shellfish, it's the bomb~~

My Doctor vista went well.    Dr. Lynch is not concerned, nor is Dr. Weeks about my little aches and pains, so Im not either.   I don't have to return to Gainesville for any more follow up.  In fact, Dr. Lynch said that he thinks my prognosis is actually good, at lot better from a few months ago where I was almost essentially written off due to the spread of the lymphoma to my lungs.   AMEN to all that!

So, now what's next?  I think I am going to do some volunteer work down he pike here shortly.   I feel like my excellent case management skills might be able to help some others not as fortunate as myself.   Would like to go back to Costa Rica too, but not sure about that yet.   Have to see if the Vegas thing comes about or not.

I've met an awesome woman this week at Dr. Weeks office, her name is Debra and what an inspiration she is to me.   It's always a blessing when someone reads and hears my stories of the last 2 years and actually benefits from it.  She's amazing, and my prayers are with her and her family to keep up the positive attitude and strength that she has.   "A Day at a Time...".

HUGS   ... ME
 

SEPTEMBER 2, 2001

Things have been so weird the last few months.   I have managed to spend time or make contact with essentially every guy I have dated in the last few years.  The great thing about it is that I have been able to put closure on some of the dangling relationships.  Hoping the closing of some of these doors will help me move forward not only in my personal life, but in my professional.  Already I have noticed a difference in thinking, in fact, over the last few days I have managed to write 2 chapters in my up and coming book  It Only Takes One.  After 10 years of thinking about it I have finally began one of my dreams, to write a book.   I was considering a book about online cybersex called "typing with one hand", but I think that the former titles of the two has a lot more room for depth and creative flow.

The New York leg of my journeys this time was wonderful.   I am currently working on the latest New York Web page, have some great pictures from my birthday party.  My wonderful family in the north, Linda, and Michele did such a great job helping me celebrate my 30'th something birthday.   I love them so much, they are my other sisters.   Dinner at La Palma restaurant was the best Linguini and Clam sauce Ive ever eaten.  Special thanks to Michelle Lamberg for the great gift, I really didnt expect it!

And I think I have gained 10 pounds from all the fabulous meals.  Between Linda's wonderful Chateaubriand, and the great meals Michele made, including "special tuna", I definitely did not starve!   Call me "chub chub".

Health wise?  Well, I'm having some aches and pangs in my arms and legs.  Major fear involved at the moment with the greatest fear of all, having to start chemo again.   I have a Doctor apt up in Gainesville Wednesday, Ill know more then.  If it is a relapse, I'm ok with it, of course I pray it's not, but I will take whatever God has in store for me.

Updates to come soon:

CB

AUGUST 28, 2001  MY BIRTHDAY !

Well it has been a month let me tell you....  The fun in Costa Rica for 3 weeks, and last week in Manhattan was unbelievable.  As I wrote to some of you about my bitch of a time at the waldorf astoria, finding blood on dirty sheets when we turned our bed down, overall it was a great trip.  Im going to work on a new page of NY pics but there is a pic or two on this update...  One is on top of the world trade center...what  a view that was!!!   Right now I am in Long Island getting ready for birthday dinner with my favorite NY girls Michele, Carly, Linda, Jenny, Michele, and Fran (if her dinner is canceled).  Should be a feast no to be forgotten.  My favorite Linguini with Clam Sauce.

The trip has been unbelievable.  In NYC we took many a limo ride in the city, went to clubs, central park and all that touristy stuff for a change.  Had the most five star dinner at the Bull and Bear restaurant on Park Ave, and now relaxing in Commack Long Island, where my friend Rosie used to live.

Should be leaving here around Sunday 9/2 and then off to Gainesville at Shands hospital for a follow up appointment with my oncologist Dr Lynch.  Wish me luck on that one.

I feel great.. Im finally looking normal again... .Thank GODS and all the prayers...

Until the next entry.... Chris
 

AUGUST 16, 2001

Costa Rica trip two was a success.  Met some really great new friends like Patricia and Peter.   Once again a very fun, relaxing, and most importantly very therapeutic.  The guys in Costa are so cute and so loving, at least until they get to know ya!  A good friend of mine told me today, the one thing you can expect from Costa Rica is the unexpected!  And that's an understatement.  The entire trip was wonderful, with the exception of the flight attendant (American Airlines) almost knocking my elbow off with that damn drink cart.     Then, just as we began our final approach to Miami airport, we hit a sudden air pocket and dropped about 5,000 feet in 2 seconds... now that's what I call "flying".   Another problem was  that someone with the airline stole my jewelry from my bag, it is nice to be home again.

I am Still feeling good.  Next month I have a follow up appointment in Gainesville to meet with Dr. Lynch.  It will be nice to be there with a full head of hair and no steroid bloat!   I actually am feeling almost normal again, whatever normal might be.  Next week I leave for NY for 10 days, looking forward to seeing AIDA on Broadway with an old boyfriend Shane Waller from Georgia.  Gonna stay in Manhattan which will be very different from San Jose, CR.

Its great that those of you continue to keep in touch by reading all the crap!  I enjoy writing it as long as you enjoy reading it!   Have a happy Day!   Love chris
 

JULY 24, 2001

Doctor's checkup today,  it's all GOOD!   I leave tomorrow for Miami, and then fly back to Costa Rica.  Started packing today.  Will be there for about 2 1/2 weeks, and then a week back home, and then off to New York City for 10 days.   In NY I am going to see the shows AIDA, and NAKED BOYS SINGING!  One on Broadway, and the other in the village.  These travels are strictly pleasure, not searching for treatment options for a change.  YIPPEE!!

I probably wont be able to put an update on my web page for almost 3 weeks, so don't worry.   Remember that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else.  Please know this:  If you are reading these words, you are loved by me.   I love you for being kind, and caring about what happens to me.   Hasta La Vista!!!! and Duermas con los Angelitos (sleep with the angels)!   ...  Chris

JULY 20, 2001

A few of my friends ask me, so now what are you going to do?  And so?  I ask myself, so now what am I going to do?   I am so thankful that things are good, that I feel as though I have a second chance at making sure I enjoy life for myself.  But I have this deep feeling, that my calling is approaching.   What do I mean by that?  Well, with all the experience I have been through, the battle, I feel as though I need to give back in some way.  I feel I need to show people that it is possible to beat the odds, no matter how shitty things get.  It is possible to stay afloat even if you think you are drowning.    I want to help, I want to make a difference, I will make a difference, Im just having to figure out how.   If you have an idea, please let me know.  If you need help in someway, Please let me know.   If you need to talk, Please...  Call me.. !! Or write!

Time to think, is what I need right now so it's Travel Time.   I am going to return to Costa Rica for almost 3 weeks.  This is the place where I honestly feel I had my miracle.  At the City of Angels in Cartago, where the Virgin Mary once appeared.   I washed my face in the fountain, and touched a holy rock.  In my heart, that is where I feel my prayers were answered.  And it all came together at the top of the Volcano at Irazu.  So, Im going back, and will enjoy every second of it.   After Costa Rica, I am going to take an old boyfriend of mine to New York City, so... thats what's' going to happen for my 39th birthday.  I'll be staying in Manhattan for a few days, and then go visit my best friend Michele in Commack.  Where Rosie Odonnell used to live.

I am feeling great, I even went out dancing last night, and a few people commented on how great I look.   Even my new Chiropractor Dr. Guideback made a comment how she couldn't believe how good I look for what I have been through this last 18 months.  It's all about Faith, and Love!  And every person that reads my web site, or sends me good thoughts and prayers, are to thank!

Tonight we are all going to a musical at the Riverside Theater in Vero Beach, Florida.  Was hoping my good friend Krista could be here, but she and the girls can't come.   "I Loves ya honey, and hopes to see ya soon!"   The show we are going to see is called Children of Eden.  Love a good musical!  So I have to start getting  ready.   Ill be writing again very soon..... Lots of hugs, and warm fuzzies. ..................ME!
 

JULY 12, 2001:

I gotta tell ya.  The roller coaster of "life", it sure can be something else.   One minute, staring at the face of what could be death, and the next minute, roller balding, making vacation plans, and generally feeling "fucking " great!  Yes.. I had to say it cause that's about how intense it is.  Just focusing on me for a change, and loving everyone else from the side lines.  And I dot mind it and it doesn't seem like anyone else does either.   Im so thankful to GOD and the Universe for giving me this chance to enjoy life again.  I dot know what's going to happen down the road a bit, but ya know what?   Finding out that my CAT scan was negative this last time, was such a shock for me, such a GRAND suprise and gift, that whatever time I have left in this world, whether it be 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years, or 6 decades, I will cherish every moment in time, every breath I take.  I will not take for granted what I have, and what I can Give to others.   I will continue to be the good hearted person I am, no matter how badly Ive been burned, cause you know what?  Maybe I am finally cashing in on my good Karma for the ultimate gift.  Life itself!

Im going to be going back to Costa Rica for a few weeks at the end of the month.  Maybe ego to New Orleans, and do want to see Toronto, Cancun, and Some Europe.   Don't want to push it, but hey, ya Neva know when the that "two minute warning" might come.

Love to each of you.. Ill see ya here in a few days...

JUNE:

6/29/2001 Miracles Do Happen!!

Today, was my dad's 70th birthday celebration.  We had a great party of 20 for him at a local restaurant called PV Martins, (Thank you Ernst, Diane, and company).  PV's is  an old place of employment which is still a big part of my heart.  The Party went well.   Dad had a great surprise, he even cried, which my father (aka archie bunker) never does.  It was very moving indeed.  Most moving of all though was when I cried.  Yes, me!  Why?  Because one of my gifts to my father and Mother was to relay the phone message  I got this morning from my doctor!  My  CAT scan results from yesterday are GOOD! "nothing to worry about".    Yes, "I'M A SURVIVOR!"  :)

You see?  Just when you think you are about to give up hope, GOD pops up!  I went from totally overridden with lymphoma to nada.  So as my tears flow down my cheek, I say, Thank you all, Thank you GOD!  This battle has been won, and I now have the energy to keep fighting this "fucking" WAR!  Thanks Dr. Pierone, Dr. Lynch,  and Dr. Weeks!  Blessings to All!
 
 

6/28/2001  Had my Cat Scan today!  Went ok, I took a peek, didn't see much, but then again I ain't no radiologist.  Sitting back and relaxing the next few days.   My chest problem turns out to be a bad case of bronchitis probably caught on the plane.   So it's getting a bit better.   Will know the results of the Cat in a few days.  Im keeping my fingers crossed, and my hands clasped!  :) love ya

6/26/2001  Well I just got back from New York and had a great time.  Went and hung out at the club where I met Jose, that was kinda strange.   This thursday is my Cat Scan to find out the status of my Lymphoma.  Hoping I am still in remission, keep your fingers crossed hard.  Need to find out about the pain in my side, which is a bit better this week.  But what's worse is the damn chest cold I caught on the plane coming back from Costa Rica.  Those damn planes need to do something about their air.  Maybe I need a good lawyer!  :)  My spirits are up, which is a good thing.   I'm missing Paul in Costa Rica, he is probably going to come and stay for a bit.  Maybe we can travel to Europe together.  My last companion flew the coop!  "wink"

6/18/2001  Well, I cant have a cat scan until next week... so instead of sitting home and making myself nuts worrying about the pain, Ive decided to go see Michele in New York.  I dont feel good, but Im trying not to focus on it.   Talked with Paul from Costa Rica, he's gonna try to visit in July.

6/16/2001  You know what?  I'm starting to remember this last year of treatment in details.  From the days of not being able to get out of bed as Jose held me close, to the hospital in Gainesville.  Laying in bed with the chemo dripping in my body, not knowing what tommorrow will bring.   And now I have a pain that just wont go away, and I say to myself, could this be it?  Is it possible that my number might just be up soon?   Jose wrote me an email while I was in Costa Rica asking for me to forgive him for letting me down.   For jumping boat in the middle of all this drama.  You know what was harder than chemo?  Forgiving him and letting him go, that was harder than not being able to breath from the low Red Blood Cells.  As hard as it was though, it opened up a door for me, it reunitied me with someone in my past who I know really cares.  Someone who I dont think would leave me if I got sick again, and certainly someone that's not into the "drug and party til u drop" culture.  So, I flip the next page in my life, with no certainty of tommorow, waiting, and enjoying my family and friends.   Still praying, still hoping, still thinking, that this "roller coaster" we call life, that maybe Ive been through a very low time, but now it's time to climb that next hill and enjoy the excitement of the wind in my face, and the love in my heart.   Blessings to each and everyone one of you!   Ill let keep ya posted.      christopher

6/14/2001  I'd like to thank Scott (durtypigboy) for reminding me that I didnt update my page in a while!  You sweet pig you!  My test on Wednesday (IVP for Kidney) went well, and most people would be glad to hear that it' came out negative, only Im a bit scared right now.  A negative test means no stones, which I kind of was hoping for.  So why do I have pain in my right side?  I duno yet.  Ill be chatting with Dr. Weeks, my oncologist, on Monday.  I suppose the next step is another Cat scan to see if the lymphoma is trying to sneak back in.   I certainly pray that's not the case.  There is just so much I want to accomplish, having to face Chemo so soon again isnt gonna make me very excited.   Also I had this cute little lesion cut off behind my ear, kinda looked like a small "yuk" wart.  That's been sent in to be biopsied.   I feel as though that's nothing to worry about, but lately seems when I think that the worse happens. Geez, GOD, cut me some slack, Please?   I love ya all.... If there's anything I can do for anyone, please let me know....

Im hoping to get back to NY to visit my friend Michele and her family.  (ticket booked for 6/21)   And then another Costa Trip  (mid july).   Thanks for the prayers, its all of you that keep me going strong....

6/8/2001  Sorry about the long gap in entries, but I just got back from Costa Rica.   It's so nice to see so many people acutally reading my updates, it's a great feeling.  Costa Rica was wonderful, you can not imagine how great it was to see my old boyfriend Paul and relive the country.   Went to the Irazu Volanco and saw 3 creators.  See my Costa Rica link What an amazing dose of energy from Mother Earth.  All in all it was great.  I also got a chance to see my friends from the previous trips at Hotel Colours.   I will be updating my main page this week to include new pics.

Went to the doctor today, have a some blood in my urine, might be a kidney stone, not sure.  Have a test scheduled on Wednesday.  It's called an IVP, and Intraveneous Pyleogram.   And still waiting on updates regarding possible health strategy.  My Onocologist in Vero is going to be talking with the specialist in Gainesville to see what he suggests.... Still Watching and waiting.

My hair is growing back again.  I plan on keeping it awhile, this time!  ....  Hugs ....     ME!
 

5/26/2001  Well, a damn urinary tract infection caused me not to be able to do crap this weekend.  Damn I thought my kidneys and bladder were going to fall out!   Thank God for Antibiotics, which are helping.  So, I didnt get to Savannah, Geogia.  I sure do hope that My Costa Rica trip doesnt get cancelled, boy would that suck.   Anyway, Im doing ok..   Have my last Rituxan treatment on this wednesday.  Have a great massage scheduled for tommorrow.  And I think I will go down to Miami Wednesday so I dont have to get up early Thursday for my trip, but that's up in the air.   Feel very lonely at times, but hey, what can ya do??  Heard from my friends Mike and Krista last night at 2:30 am.   Just like the good ole times, Liquid cocaines, geez.. makes me think about Krista and Marks Amnesia in Atlanta! :) heheheh   "ya had to be there";  Love and besitos!
Chris

5/22/2001  Well here's how I stand today!  I booked my ticket to Costa Rica, and will be leaving on May 31 for a week.  Im so excited about the trip Im gonna implode.  This week, after my 3rd Rituxan treatment, I am going to see my old boyfriend Shane in Savannah!  It's a beautiful city in Georgia.  When I come back, looks like maybe another consult, this time in Boston.  Seems they have a protocol available there for the "self" stem cell transplant.   I need to take a week or two off and let all this stuff catch up with me.  We are not positive 100% sure where to go next.  Watch and wait and see if I relapse?  Or do the transplant in Boston?  Or continue to see what else is out there.   God? If you listening, now would surely be a good time to show me some direction.  (or maybe he has, who knows?)   So, Im packing my bags, and will be on the road for a bit.   I've said my prayers for every single one of you who have been reading my updates, and saying prayers for me, a great thing will happen to you in the next week or so.   Let me know what it is! :)   Love chris

5/18/2001  Email from University of Miami, they dont do the protocol there, it's done at John Hopkins.  As each day goes by, the more I feel that this is not the way to go.  I am not sure yet, but that seems to be the message I am getting.  Maybe we should wait and see??  The anxiety is starting to build and I think at times I am going to snap.  Maybe it's time for another plane trip for relaxation, or maybe a trip to Costa Rica.  Well, if you dont see an update in a few days, it means not much is going on.  Thank you again for caring enuf to follow my progress, whoever you may be!!  love Chris.

5/15/2001  Today I met with two great Doctors, Dr. Little, and Dr. Talsdale.   Dr. Little is senor oncologist at NCI, national cancer Institute, and Dr. Little is the doctor who is the investigator for the study that I didnt qualify for.  Very nice men, with great knowlege of my dilemma.  The trip wasnt a total loss, I learned quite a bit.  Might have to go to Miami and look up a Dr. Harrington who is doing the Autologous transplant study ( the one with my own blood). The other option is to wait and watch, kinda sounds like a type of chemo doesnt it.  "watch and wait"  Im not sure what to do.

I fly back to Florida tommorrow, and have my rituxan on Thursday.  Well..gotta get sleep... chow baby!

5/14/2001   Well, I do believe that what ever road I am to travel, that door will open up when it is supposed to.   Today I found out that out of 3 brothers and sisters, none of them are a blood match for me.    I am not sad, for I do believe that I am not to be on that road, and that the one I am supposed to be on will open soon.  Today I am in Bethesda, tommorrow I have an appt. with a new Doctor at NIH, and I fly back to florida on Wedneday morning, and then will be at Vero's hosptial on Thursday to get my next dose of Rituxan.   So that's the update for today.   Do not be sad for me, like I said, something big is coming down the pike!    Love chris

still waiting..

5/11/2001 Did not hear from Sheila today about the results, but I did talk to her yesterday and I do have a meeting with her on Tuesday in Bethesda.  Im in New York right now and will be here til Monday and will fly to Washington and go back to Florida on Wednesday.  Right now Im visiting friends up here, and just living life day to day as I wait to see where GOD has his plan.   Hello to my friends at PV Martins in Ft. Pierce, Like Velma Jean, Diane, Ernst, Ally, Linda, Rosa, and the bunch.   I love ya all, and appreciate the constant thoughts and good wishes.   Ill be updating on Monday for sure....  Love to everyone.   Christopher.  PS>>> I feel great right now, no problems, no pain, not tired.

5/10/2001 Results of the blood work might be back tommorrow.

5/8/2001  Still now word yet on the stem cell matches... but Im going to NY to see Michele, Carly, Linda, and the bunch.  Will be up there til monday.   So, if NIH calls, Ill have my phone there too!  I need to take a break and relax before the fireworks begin.  Today I was at Indian River Hospital, met some really nice people in the outpatient Infusion Lab.  The nurses,  Tammy and Julie, are wonderful, what a great team.  Kinda reminds me of the love at the Geffen Center ( Donna,  Darlene, Jess ... ) or the unforgetable nurses and staff at Shands in Gainesville (5th Floor 55).  Well, I got my 1st of four of rituxin, this is to keep me in remission, will get more next week.  So thats the latest.   Thank you!!

5/7/2001  Haven't heard yet the results of the blood draws.  Should be some time this week.   I have been in touch with another specialist in California, Dr. Kaplan, who has been emailing me about some studies in Miami.   Could be a back up plan, or a different route, not sure yet.  Taking things one day at a time. Decided to get out and do some stuff while  I am feeling a bit better.  I actually went out to a bar this weekend, just to get out.

This wednesday I do my first weekly rituxin Infusion.    Thats to keep me in remission while we are waiting for the next step.   Would love to visit New York and maybe Costa Rica again before I have to go in to the hospital for any length of time.   Went to the Kashi Ranch this weekend and met "Ma".  That was a very enlightening evening.  A multi-inter faith type of culture, that preaches love, acceptance, and meditation.  Good timing for a little bit of spiritual building!  Was a very wonderful weekend all in all.

5/3/2001 Had a great massage today at essential healing, my wonderful Julie Wilson.  This girl gives a therapuetic massage from the heart!  She really helps and when I walk out, I really can feel energized and improved.   Today even Edie the owner did some pressure points to help the bone marrow.  NIH got the blood samples drawn yesterday, so we have to sit and wait for the next door to open.  Just found out also that if this match occurs, I might be up there up to Six months in Bethesda, Maryland.   Wow, I didnt think it would be that long, thats almost scarey.   Help me!  Im melting!

Remission 5/1/2001 and Possible Stem Cell Transplant!
 

5/2/2001  Well today was the weirdest!  I drew my sister Jean (above picture) and my brother Mike's blood and sent it to Bethesda to be HLA tested.  This is a test  to see if they are a match for my Stem Cell Transplant.  Now how many patients have drawn their own possible donors blood??   This has to be a first!  :)   This new type of transplant could  cure the Lymphoma once and for all.

We should know in a week if Mike, Patty, or Jean, are a match, and if they are, we are going to Maryland for some cutting edge stuff.  If they are not?  Well who knows what?  Sheila says my case is being tossed around the country for other possible studies!  Kinda unique having a nurse as a guinea pig for research, at least thats' what they tell me.   Well the doors are opening left and right!  Thank you again for the thoughts and kind emails.   Love chris.
 

5/1/2001  Later in the Day!  Well, talk about fast!  Im not home from Gainesville 2 hours and NIH (National Institute of Health) was calling, a wonderful voice on the phone named Sheila.  Sheila is the transplant coordinator up in MD, and is needing me to have my brothers and sisters tested for the stem cell transplant to see if they are a match!  Oh my, I was just saying a little prayer about what doors will open, and looks like this one is!  Test tubes are in the mail and the next step is to see if I have a perfect match!  Keep your fingers crossed!  love chris
 

GAINESVILLE ROUND 5???

5/1/2001  Mom and I went up to Gainesville.  Dr. Lynch was very happy with the results, so no need for a fifth round of Chemo.  He said the words Remission! :)  Going to do some outpatient weekly stuff for 4 weeks, but not that industrial strength chemo.  Waiting for NIH to call about the stem cell consult in Maryland.  Until then, Im gonna concentrate on me and enjoying things a bit more.   We are back in Vero, only stayed over night.  Mom and I had a great dinner with my old college friend Lynn Norman Goolsby, and her husband Ed.  Update ya soon....  Warm fuzzies.

4/28/2001  Well looks like my last cat scan is excellent.  No signs of disease in my lungs or thorasic areas... Read it myself.  Only 2 or 3 tiny little spots near the kidney, but those are stable and unchanged, so it's major improvement. Mom and I are going back to Gainesville on Monday, have an appt with Dr. Lynch, not sure what to expect, Ill keep ya posted.  Thank you again, and again, and again for all the love, and support you all have given me so far.  It has made a big difference so far in how I feel and how Im able to deal with all this crap! :)  I am so blessed to have people in my life like you and my family!  Especially my mom, who has been by my side since day one!  Love her bunches and bunches times infinitity squared!  (Jose used to say that).   Have a great weekend!  Love ..Chris

4/24/2001  Got a call today from the Head of the Transplant team at Shands.  Dr. Z feels that I could tolerate a stem cell transplant, but that she is going to recommend either National Cancer Institute  (NIH), or San Francisco under Dr. Kaplan.   Still dont know for sure which end is up.  I think my situation is starting to catch up with me emotionally.  With the break up of Jose and I and everything else going on, How much can one person handle.  Thank you for your prayers and support.  Anyone know a good Shrink?  I think Im gonna need one soon.  My Cat Scan is tommorrow, should know the results thursday or friday.   Later....

4/22/2001  Well, my good friend Stacey and Cindy came to visit, and I was feeling so good that I went out to lunch.  Left my "prison" of my room, and enjoyed a beautiful day out to the mall.  And I guess I over did it, cause when I came home I crashed and burned.  Felt like crap since yesterday evening.  Today had a fever, and a major headache.  Im not complaining, just reporting.  Im tellin ya, this is getting old!  I'm ready to start to feel normal again.  "normal", did I say that???  What is "normal"?    Well, have several doctor appts this week, so at least I'll be busy.  Oh Happy Sunday!  Oh, by the way, have to make special mention to Krista Pelham-Taylor in Tampa, Love ya Krista! :)

4/20/2001  Oh what a difference a pint makes!  It's so nice to be able to breath!  Thank you to all the wonderful people who Donate Blood!  Today I actually feel normal again.  Talked with Dr. Weeks today, seems that the transplant team meets again on Tuesday.  Limbo, Limbo, Let's do the Limbo!  Not sure if there is going to be a fifth treatment, or what.  But toon in soon, right here on Gaychris.com/health.html   I'll let ya know..  Big warm hug.

4/19/2001  Oh Happy Thurday!  This morning at 6:30, my pulse and shortness of breath woke me up out of a deep sleep.   Had to Call Dr. Weeks, and where am I now?  I am at Indian River Hospital getting another blood transfusion.  Had a major headache, along with the shortness of breath, got here about 6:40am, and now  it's noon, and I am aobut 1/2 way through my frist unit of blood.   Supposed to get 3 units.   Talked with Dr. Weeks today, he is going to call Gainesville and find out what the scoop is about the transplant idea.   It's beeen quite a rocky road!  Mom is here with me today, and will stick around.   I'll let ya know how things go here in Vero Beach, at IRMH.  Big Hug....  chris

4/16/01  Im home again... laying in bed resting up from that 3 hour drive.   Today I decided not to get out of bed.  And so far I have done exactly that.  Just gonna sit and relax for the next few days and see what news Im gonna get.   Will have a new cat scan in a week, and then maybe get some info about the Stem Cell thing.     Have a great day!  Hugs
 

GAINESVILLE ROUND #4  Ended  4/15/01

4/15/2001 HAPPY EASTER!!!  What a nice suprise! Last night the nurses on the 5th floor invited me to their Easter Dinner, and boy was it good!  A Heavenly Ham, Scalloped potatoes from scratch, brussel sprouts with cashews, I mean it was a great feast.  They are so good to me, Such a wonderful loving crew.  Today I get ready to go home back to Vero Beach.  Waiting for mom and Dad to get back from Church, and then we will load up the car and rocket home.   Haven't talked to Jose in a few days, so I guess that's definitely over.  It's sad, but I guess anticipated when you are dating someone who is 22 and adding all the shit of my illness doesn't  help.  I thought he might reevaluate a few things, but I guess not.  So, it's all about me now I supposed.  Me Me Me!!  Physically Im feeling very good.   Will have a follow up cat scan in 2 weeks to see where we are at in this mix.  And sometime soon I should know about the Stem Cell Transplant Decision.     Either way, I feel very comfortable with my treatment team, From Dr. Weeks, Dr. Pierone, all the way up here in Gainesville with Dr. Lynch and his associates, and the great nursing team on 55 at Shands.   You are all in my prayers, and thank you for keeping me in yours!   Loving care!   Christopher

4/13/2001 Friday the thirteenth!  Egads can you believe it?  It's my lucky day.  Things so far have been going smooth as butta.  Have not learned anything about the transplant yet, seems that the team is outta town.  Looks like I might be having a fifth treatment, but I dont know for sure.  Im not in any major pain, just some headache from the Lumbar Puncture.  I added a few more pics from this visit.  At the bottom is mom and dad, and also mom with one of those gorgeous doctors, tell me that's not therapuetic.   The chemo is running fine, no need for blood yet.  Looks like we wont be leaving Gainesville until Easter morning.

4/12/2001 Hey guys!  Today is Thursday and things are running smoothly so far.  Have a whole newteam this time.  New Dr's Bala, Dr Schuler, and the new med students.  Great to see familiar faces like Allison, Eyrene, Diana, George, Charlie, Nancy, christa, there's just so many wonderful people.   Had a great nursing student, Marcos, excellent assessment skills and very intelligent, gonna be a great nurse.  I am Still not sure what the game plan after this week is going to be.  Most of the Doctors are away on vacation or conference, so I wont know until Im discharged whether I have to do a round #5 or not.   Im feeling good so far, some headache due to the Lumbar Puncture yesterday.   My cousin Johnny and Sandi are coming to visit Friday, that will be nice.   We should be home sometime on Easter Sunday the way we have figured it out.  Smiles!   Chris

4/11/2001 Well we are here!  Just had my round of doctors stop in.  Things are going ok so far.  It's around 12 noon lunch time.   Scheduled for my spinal tap in about an hour, and then the chemo will start at 2pm.  So looks like we wont be dont til late saturday, but ya never know.. depends on how the rates of infusion go.  So far I feel great today, mom and dad are by my side.  I think my cousin Johnny and Sandi are gonna come and visit Friday.   Will update ya soon!    Me

4/10/2001 We will be leaving today!  Will be staying at the University Centre hotel in Gainesville tonight, and then I go in to the hospital tommorow AM.   Should konw a lot more about the stem cell transplant, and the next treatment option.  Hugs to you all!  Chris

4/8/2001  Palm Sunday, not much going on!  Just counting down til Tuesday!  Feeling ok, went for a nice walk today.  My legs are sore from all this walking, but thats a good thing!

4/6/2001  Still eating good, and actually got some "attention" in my pants today.  Unexpectedly Mr Winky Woke me up this morning!   Wow, I forgot he was even there! :)  lol   The last two days I pretty much spent enjoying my friend Tim Noye (congrats tim on your cosmotology lic).  We shopped and bopped around town, with a few rest periods.  Lot's of laughing and goofing around.  Geez, it's amazing what a little  blood transfusion can do for your brain!  I've mostly been Psyching myself to going back to Gainesville on Tuesday Evening to start ROUND #4 of chemo.  Also thinking a lot about Jose and how things are going between him and I.  I feel like we are in a major Limbo,  his fear, my fear, sometimes I feel so alone, and then I remember all the wonderful friends, old and new.  And the great relatives, old and new, and even new internet friends.  Damn, how could I ever feel alone with all this love and effection.  Im gonna beat this shit!  I just want you to see it in writing!   And then Im going to visit every last one of you people.  Towards the end of my treatment, Im gonna start a visitation schedule, what ya think???   Of course after the party I have for my doctors and nurses.... :)  And then we need to all go on ROSIE!

After Round four should be another cat scan, and a new plan intact regarding the possiblity of a "stem cell" transplant.  Kinda nervous about it, but will know more by next week.

4/4/2001  Today started out ok, was still kind of hyper with the new blood, but toward the end of the day I started to poop out.  Gosh, this is a lot more difficult than I imagined.   And it's so hard when there is a relationship teatering in the wind.  I just thank God that things are not that bad.  My legs have been kind of throbbing lately, not sure why.  Gonna bring it up to Dr. Weeks tommorrow, I dont feel any nodes, but it's throbby, maybe the chemo working.  We leave on Tuesday night to go back to Gainesville.  My sister Jean is going to come up with Mom and Dad.  Im excited that Jean is going to come up.  Love her to death.  Hey, did you all hear that Garth Brooks has been listening to Jeannies Songs ??? I think that's great, keep your fingers crossed for her and her career.    Thanks for stopping by today.  Email me if ya get a chance.... love chris

4/2/2001 BLOOD TRANSFUSION Just an FYI, went to the Doctor today and my hgb was 5.9 and hct 17%, so Im at Indian River Hospital Getting blood.  Two full units of Red Cells,   I feel much better.  Should be discharged by 8pm and back home in my bed tonight.   Hugs....
4/1/2001    Today is day 11 of my third cycle, and ouch!  This being sick is for the birds.  I have such a headache, I probably shouldnt be looking at this monitor right now.  My pulse is about 125 beats a minute, and when I get up I get out of breath and my pulse goes up to about 150.  Yucky!   Called the Doctor today, gonna ride out the storm cause when I just sit and do nothing, I'm fine.  So, guess Im just gonna continue to sit and do nothing.  :)   Going to the MD in the am for blood work.  Might need some blood in a few days, will let ya know.   Keeping the ole spirits on the up and up!  Thank you Jake and Dotty for the plant.  And Happy Birthday Gary!~!

3/31/2001  I can feel my Red Blood Cells slowly dying, as I get more and more sluggish and a bit out of breath.   I have a bit of a headache for the last few days, and have just been trying to conserve energy.  Monday I go for lab work and see if I might need more blood.   If I've said it once, Ill say it a thousand times, it could always get worse.  And so far, I have the love of my family and friends to get me by.  Jose has kinda gone to the back of the class, so to speak.  I guess this is just too stressful for him, and it's understandable.  But Im trying to keep my spirits up, and focusing on healing, healing and more healing.  Will update ya again soon.....   Hugs to all.

3/28/2001   Here I am home, watching All My Children.  Just got back from Dr. Weeks where it seems the transplant team has been talking about me! :)  So nice to be loved.  Ironically, I worked for shands oncology 20 years ago with Civitan, and now, someone there actually remembers me.  Life is so strange.  Well, looks like things are heading toward a stem cell transplant.  Will know much more in the next couple of days, my wondeful transplant coordinator Jan is working on the details.   Dr. Weeks says I have had an excellent response to treatment.  So, here I am, waiting to see what's in store for me.   Thank you Again for all those who have wondered, wished, and prayed.  There is something amazing gonna come out of this, you wait and see.  I just wish I knew what it was! ;)   Hugs... chris
 

3/26/2001 Well, Sunday went well and today is Monday, Time to get the Hell outta Here!  Thank you again to all of the staff, students, and volunteers at Shands.  I hope I hvave touched your lives as much as you have touched mine.  Cya in a few weeks, back on April 11th, for Round #4, and maybe the ok to try Stem Cell Transplant!  Let's see what doors will be opening next!  My sincere thanks... and keep checking in!     Sincerely,  Chris

3/24/2001  It's Saturday, and the hussle and bustle in the hallways is quieter since most of the students and faculty of the medical schools are oand have them actually learn a bit of something.  It's a wondeful feeling to look into peoples eyes and know that you are touching them in some way.   And it's chilling, when my own life is touched by people like Nurse "Roger" who's healing hands, and heart, touch my soul.  Feeling the Love of caring touch.

Last night I was playing nurse role again, by trying to fix my IV, bad nurse!  Nurse Marie had to give me a spanking! But I deserved it.  I am in good hands like AllState, and she's right, if I need help, I need to learn to ask more!  Lessons lessons and more lessons.

Monday I am going to have a consult with the transplant team.  We might be heading down the road to some newer therapies to maybe erradicate this lymphoma once and for all, and help my overall illness.  It's a bit risky, some people dont survive the treatment.  So Ill let you all know more when I find out more.  I have a few links Ive found on the web, so if you are interested, Ill mail em to ya.   Warm Fuzzies..   egads, did I write that???? fuzzies????   lol

3/23/2001  After my log yesterday, I received 2 units of blood which made me perk up a bit and prepares me for this chemo round.   The chemo therapy lowers your red and white cells, so now that I have more cells, I'm feeling a bit better today. My leg and back are a bit sore from my lumbar puncture, but Im doing ok with pain management.  My checkout date is tenatively monday morning, should be finishing the chemo sunday night.   Mom and Dad are hanging in there,  staying right across the street at the university center hotel.  Thank you for your emails and phone calls, even emails from some strangers Ive never met is really heart warming.

3/22/2001  Round 3 day one....  Well, Im getting the hang of this, :)  Starting to recognizes faces and names.  The care here is still so wonderful   it is amazing..  Dr. "Chris" , you can find him at notgaychris.com :) lol just a little gay humor, what an amazing guy.  Sure makes me feel old, Im telling ya the staff here is a bunch of models, male and female, running around in lab coats, and today, Dr. "Suma" did my lumbar puncture and did a great job! She told me I would feel a little prick, Can you believe that I thought she said something else???  :)   Yippeee  she got it!  And Doctor "Sherri", well, just to let ya know, my palm pilot is in color, but I think her's is wireless... Im jealous...   We did some beaming .... so we bonded!   Such pretty girls around here, wish I was a lesbian.  This group of doctors and nurses have such a great sense of humor.  Well my spirits are good,  and surrounded by great people.   Still doing good..... I'll check in later.... Chris
 

3/21/2001  We made it to Gainesville.  First Stop was to Dr. Lynch's office.  He looked at my most recent cat scan from  Monday and is very pleased.  He said that there is almost no trace of anything seen.  Still waiting on the final word from the radiologist, but it looks great so far Tommorrow AM I will be admitted again for Round #3 of chemo.  They are talking about the posiiblity of a stem cell transplant, but not sure yet.  The transplant team will evaluate me somtime this weekend.   And I probably will have some blood this time since the last time kicked my butt.   I must say though, things are looking good so far, might not need it.  Mom and Dad are here this time, we all went out to dinner at a great restaurant called Mark's; I recommend it highly!  Let ya know tommorrow from the hospital whats up!  I have my cell there if ya get lonely, 561-913-0691.  Love, Chris.....

3/20/2001  I got through the worst of it, for round #2.  I feel better, my lips have color again.  And Im not having to use that handicapped permit now.  Since the 15th I underwent my first accupuncture treatment. Oh My God, it was great.  Thank you Lilly Diamond at Diamond healing, (At essentials in healing in Vero).  Unbelievable.  Im kinda starting to mix Eastern Medicine, with Western, including Massage, Accupuncture, and some chinese herbs with the Chemo.  Tell ya what, I feel better.  Even stopped by my old PV Martins the other day and actually helped out for about 30 minutes.  Was good to get the old blood and sweat pumping again.  (Hi Ernst, Ali, Diane, Velma, and the Gang).  Yesterday I had my cat Scan, went good.  What I could see was a decrease in the cancer, but I aint no radiologist, so by tommorrow I should know the "official" word.   We leave tommorrow morning for Gainesville again.really kicked my butt.  My hemoglobin went down to  6.2 which is pretty low, close to needing a blood transfusion, but so far just staying in bed.  My white cells crashed to .6, but today have rebounded to normal.  So the road is rocky right now, but I am doing ok.  Have heard from some of my old friends from the past, which has been really nice.  And the cards, flowers, and good wishes continue to come in.  Mom has been doing such a great job of nursing me, I wish I could give her an honorary nursing degree!   This week I have really felt what it's like to be disabled.  I have been short of breath and weak, it's such an eye opener.   I will never look at a handicapped parking permit the same after this week.   Catch ya soon!   CB

Gainesville Trip 2

3/9/2001  Egads.... Trip # 2 to Gainesville went good..as you can see by my Diary Entries below, but "Oh my",  the last few days have been hard on my body.  Feel like Ive been hit by a truck! I have been in bed for the last 2 days, and plan on staying here until Monday.  It could be worse..  Im very achy, have a bad headache, and kinda weak and tired.  Avoiding the outside since strep throat seems to be flying around this month.  I'm hanging in there.  Thanks again to the great staff at Shands.... Will see ya again on the 21st.  Big thing coming up next is my Cat San on the 20th.  Keep your fingers crossed.

3/06/2001 Discharged again:  Back to Vero Beach.  Love that staff at Shands, Thanks Scott, Krista, Eyrane, Allison, Mel, Laurie, Phyllis, and so many more... :)  See ya in 3 weeks.

3/05/2001  Well.. My IV is almost done.... 11:00 tonight.  SO Ill be going back to Vero Tommorrow.  THings here went well again.  These nurses here are unbelievable.  Just the bomb.  I love em all.  And the doctors, it's like Giddeons Crossing, they are all young and gorgeous!  Well, Next is a cat scan in 2 weeks to see if all this is working.  My intuition is, that it is working!  And that maybe by the end of the summer I will Really Be In Remission!!! :)   Love... Blessed be!

3/02/2001 We are here... and its amazing.  God has pulled through and made me smile with another private room, this one bigger than the last one..  desks 3 tv's geez.. its like a suite.  The Chemo is right on target, had a lumbar puncture today, went fine.  And Mom just brought me some pizza to have a night snack.  Jose is on his way to stay the weekend in my room again.  So things are looking good.  I feel great right now, and my spirits are high.  The Power of LOVE... dont underestimate that medication!!!  Its' probably the best just above LAUGHTER....  will update tommorrow.  Thanks for being interested.... I see the number of hits on the site.. and it amazes me!   The Doctors are amazed at how wondeful I am taking this....  Love chris

3/1-3/4 or so, and then we will come home again.  Mom will stay at the Holiday Inn up near the hospital again.... my Guardian Angel she is.. I am so lucky.  My weight is good, My appeitite is good,  so we will know by the middle of March how the body is responding to the Chemo, I feel it's doing a good job.
 

3/01/2001  Going to be going back to Gainesville for cycle number 2 of 4.  So far so good.  Will be up there for 3 days or so.  Mom and are going to drive up first, and Jose is going to meet us up there Saturday morning.  Before we leave though, I get my day in court to sue Regis Hair Salon..2 years ago they burned my scalp and today is the mediation.  So, a full day at that.  Things continue to go well, Dr. Weeks was very happy at how well I am handling the chemo.  It's the "ashes" I told him, from Ash Wednesday.   Next update coming soon......  and thanks!
 

2/22/01  Well, saw my doctors this week, things are going good.  Handling the new chemo well.  No puking or feeling crappy.  Getting ready for our next trip to gainesville.  We have decided that's the best thing for me.  That will be 1/2001   Had a biopsy on the 25th.  Some nodes in my groin area have been flaring up. Kinda scarey, could be the lymphoma again, or a weird infection.  Im scared, but I  am confident that whatever the outcome, there is reason for it. All my closest friends say it's nothing to worry about.   If things do get worse, I can honestly say, I have been blessed in this life, I have laughed my ass off, and cried, and have Loved!   Im not giving up the ship yet!  And those prayers are doing wonders, so thanks for keeping em up!! >>>>>
 

2/13/01  BACK IN VERO BEACH.... Just waiting, seeing how things are going to go.  The effects of the meds, the next treatments in 21 days, the cat scans coming up, the lab work.  Another battle.....  cause I love a fight!   Will update ya again soon!
 

2/12/01  Mom and Jose have endured the visit.  My loving boyfriend stayed in the room with me the whole time, and mom was by my side except when she went to the hotel room to sleep.  And I am driving myself home.  That was my goal, to drive myself to treatment, and to come home.  So far, I feel ok.  Im still praying!
 

2/10/01  I'm Handling the chemo treatments great.  The staff at UF at Shands have been unbelievable.  The nursing care and doctor care here has been unsurpassed so far.  They have renewed my faith in the ability of my own career in nursing, and helped me realize that there are great Doctors and Nurses out there  in hospitals that really do care!!  And believe it or NOT , that makes a big difference.  So far no vomitting, no major problems..... !
 
 

2/8/01 Im off to Gainesville with my mother, and my boyfriend Jose.  (picture above)  And Im scared shitless.  One of the best Doctors in the country Dr. lynch has perscribed a Chemotherapy infusion that I will start up here in  Gainesville, and continue for several treatments.  The Lymphoma is right now in my leg, and in my lungs.  But, I am more focused on life, and more focused on living right now, and really feel the power of love, and prayer.
 
 

2/5/2001 Well, after a lot of telephone calls with different Doctors, including Dr. Pierone, Dr. Weeks, and Dr. Vu, and Dr. Geffen, I am going to a specialist in Gainesville at Shands Teaching Hospital this thursday to be screened for some new treatments.  Dr. Lynch is top in his field.  So looks like we will be taking the 3 hour drive to Gainesville wednesday night, and go from there.  I did buy a lap top, so If I can get online...I will!  Don't stop the prayers now! :)  love ya...

2/1/2001 And???  the outcome of the tests???  The lymphoma is back, a minor hurdle, probably have some more chemo or radiation... will know more soon.  Cat scans and ultrasounds coming soon.  What a roller coaster !!!  I love you all!
 

GAINESVILLE:
 

Dear Damn Diary:

1/2001   Had a biopsy on the 25th.  Some nodes in my groin area have been flaring up. Kinda scarey, could be the lymphoma again, or a weird infection.  Im scared, but I  am confident that whatever the outcome, there is reason for it. All my closest friends say it's nothing to worry about.   If things do get worse, I can honestly say, I have been blessed in this life, I have laughed my ass off, and cried, and have Loved!   Im not giving up the ship yet!  And those prayers are doing wonders, so thanks for keeping

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